Self- judgmental shame... has origins.

 I harbor substantial self-judgmental shame in my heart because my father engineered the Dodge Viper and I have so many beautiful, mechanically inclined car and boat enthusiasts and all I want is a Prius AWD with a roof rack.

I’m not trying to be cool. I’d like to have reliability, fuel efficiency and weather-controlled cabin space. I have no interest in towing anything. I don’t care to pull boats, cars or jet skis. I care about safety, a decent stereo and whether my camera gear and longboards will be comfortable.

I’ve always been pretty obsessed with safety features and stability control. I even celebrated the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X for breakthroughs in AWD technology. I loved the Chrysler Crossfire for its stability control and lap times with a v6.

I like aesthetics far more than engines.

I’ve never worked on cars because I never wanted to. I did read magazines and watch Top Gear so I’d have some ways of relating to dad.

Now, I couldn’t be further away. …and I’m closer to his boat than I’ve ever been… but I’ve also never been a fan of boating. I only ever showed up for dad. I just wish I’d pushed when people discouraged me from camera gear a decade ago.

I grapple with depression, self-loathing and frustrated fear of the future knowing I wasted so much time letting people walk all over me and avoiding the conflict of standing up for myself. I literally wound up psychiatrically hospitalized a number of times because I was convinced I should keep it to myself and accept things or try to solve it all on my own.

I let emotions grind to a standstill and made myself stoic and silent to a point that every communicated concern was received as criticism because “you seemed fine” and the rest was just a life unlived, constantly playing back like blank frames in my head.

I feel sick. I’m so grateful for my therapist.

I was just insta followed by an army woman with an onlyfans

I have zero interest in associated with a stranger from the military. Nor do I have any desire for a life with anyone who has ever taken up arms or owns a gun. I don’t want to be with anyone who has ever served in the military. I know plenty of people who have, and I respect them as people. I will not date or marry a gun owner, gun rights supporter or military veteran. I tend to block pages that seem disgustingly conservative.

Hell, my cousin Pat was in office for almost a decade on a platform of supporting veterans and retirement. I love him, and all he's done.

I still have no interest in a relationship of that sort. I'd rather feel emotionally secure with someone and know our values are shared.

It's The Guns

I have a friend of a friend who shot themself one day
I think most of us have somebody like that who’s gone away
If she’d had time to think about it maybe she’d be around
But you can get a gun in twenty minutes in this town

I was held up on a train by a kid about fourteen
Ochre-brown and terrified holding a death machine
And if you think giving me a gun would’ve stopped the whole damn thing
You’re trying to untangle things by adding extra string

It’s a little bit the people that we’ve left outside to drown
It’s a little bit the BlackRock rеnt that’s never going down
It’s a little bit thе internet and the way we raise our sons
But mostly it’s the guns, yeah, it’s the guns

I don’t wanna hear any argument you pretend that you believe
Unless you’ll say it to the mother who’s still caught up in her grief
You’ve been willing to try nothing, your hands thrown in the air
God I wish I could stop bullets with your thoughts and with your prayers

Did you know laws are made up and the constitution too?
You can change it when mass murder becomes a usual thing we do
Still I’ve never seen a group of tyrants so determined not to budge
Sorry we slowed your sales down with our bodies and our blood

It’s a little bit the people that we’ve left outside to drown
It’s a little bit the Blackrock rent that’s never going down
It’s a little bit the internet and the way we raise our sons
But mostly it’s the guns, yeah, it’s the guns

So buy back every gun from police and people too
Change the constitution if that’s what you have to do
You made up this individual right to carry and feel strong
But the right for children to grow up is written in the stars
And the right to live in peace is one that’s given out by God
And when you’re out of line with that you change the fucking laws

It’s the guns
It’s the guns
It’s the guns

https://youtu.be/0KtKNQS9rXY?si=MQqCKPKNz7uEAIMi

Everyone Is Gay

[Verse 1]
If you're gay then you're gay
Don't pretend that you're straight
You can be who you are any day of the week
You are unlike the others
So strong and unique
We're all with you
If you're straight, well, that's great
You can help procreate
And make gay little babies
For the whole human race
Make a world we can live in
Where the one who you love's not an issue

[Chorus]
'Cause we're all somewhere in the middle
We're all just looking for love to change the world
What if the world stops spinning tomorrow?
We can't keep running away from who we are

[Verse 2]
If you're gay then you're gay
If you're straight, well, that's great!
If you fall in between that's the best way to be
You've got so many options
Every fish in the sea wants to kiss you
(Muah! Aww!)

[Chorus]
'Cause we're all somewhere in the middle
And we're all just looking for love to change the world
What if the world stops spinning tomorrow?
We can't keep running away from who we are

[Outro]
And we're all here in it together
We're one step closer to breaking down the walls
Everyone is gay
Hooray! (Hooray)

https://youtu.be/0VG1bj4Lj1Q?si=LYkClibhHVsugJg9

Scare Away The Dark

Well, sing, sing at the top of your voice
Love without fear in your heart
Feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

We wish our weekdays away
Spend our weekends in bed
Drink ourselves stupid
And work ourselves dead
And all just because that's what mom and dad said we should do

We should run through the forests
We should swim in the streams
We should laugh, we should cry
We should love, we should dream
We should stare at the stars and not just the screens
You should hear what I'm saying and know what it means

To sing, sing at the top of your voice
Love without fear in your heart
Feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

Well, we wish we were happier, thinner and fitter
We wish we weren't losers and liars and quitters
We want something more not just nasty and bitter
We want something real not just hashtags and Twitter

It's the meaning of life and it's streamed live on YouTube
But I bet Gangnam Style will still get more views
We're scared of drowning, flying and shooters
But we're all slowly dying in front of fucking computers

So sing, sing at the top of your voice
Oh, love without fear in your heart
Can you feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

And oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no
Sing it out now
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no
Sing it out now
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no
Sing it out now
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh no

Well sing, sing at the top of your voice
Love without fear in your heart
Feel, feel like you still have a choice
If we all light up we can scare away the dark

https://youtu.be/cWKTFuAFcOY?si=iwLMzHj1BtimyK55

"What do you regret most in your life?"

Most of my life.

Spending too little time with my mother.

Letting a handful of allegedly homeless and evidently jobless high school dropouts live in my first apartment with me rent free. I regret letting them cling so long, they were labeled "friends."

Not standing my ground on sobriety with the people I let squat in my one bedroom apartment.

...not giving up on the idea of playing a musical instrument long ago so I could pursue the things I cared about in junior high and high school; media creation. Now about the only way I'm going to fund a photo/video career is with adult content.

I deeply regret opening a credit card for a drum set instead of the camera I wanted to buy. That was 2.5 grand and a decade of my life I'll never get back. I should never have let anyone or anything convince me not to buy a camera and the same can be said about buying a huge waste of space for swatting cylinders with sticks above observing and truly embracing the world in the art of photography.

It's like every suggestion I've been given over the last 20 years was specifically chosen to guarantee I sit indoors, unseen and unknown. Now that I'm back into photography, my family's apparently not even ready to accept the shift. It's a much more social, mindful and explorative lifestyle intention. I'm also focusing on constant lights for my creative portraits when I can, instead of flash. They're useful for photo and video applications and add the benefit of visible light to portrait shooting.

I deeply regret not cutting ties with substance-users and peddlers.

I self-resentingly regret not getting back into therapy asap. I'm in weekly, now. I have been for about 2 years. I still regret not getting back into it, sooner.

Healing, clarity of intention and emotion are essential.