Self- judgmental shame... has origins.
Feb. 5th, 2026 08:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyat I harbor substantial self-judgmental shame in my heart because my father engineered the Dodge Viper and I have so many beautiful, mechanically inclined car and boat enthusiasts and all I want is a Prius AWD with a roof rack.
I’m not trying to be cool. I’d like to have reliability, fuel efficiency and weather-controlled cabin space. I have no interest in towing anything. I don’t care to pull boats, cars or jet skis. I care about safety, a decent stereo and whether my camera gear and longboards will be comfortable.
I’ve always been pretty obsessed with safety features and stability control. I even celebrated the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X for breakthroughs in AWD technology. I loved the Chrysler Crossfire for its stability control and lap times with a v6.
I like aesthetics far more than engines.
I’ve never worked on cars because I never wanted to. I did read magazines and watch Top Gear so I’d have some ways of relating to dad.
Now, I couldn’t be further away. …and I’m closer to his boat than I’ve ever been… but I’ve also never been a fan of boating. I only ever showed up for dad. I just wish I’d pushed when people discouraged me from camera gear a decade ago.
I grapple with depression, self-loathing and frustrated fear of the future knowing I wasted so much time letting people walk all over me and avoiding the conflict of standing up for myself. I literally wound up psychiatrically hospitalized a number of times because I was convinced I should keep it to myself and accept things or try to solve it all on my own.
I let emotions grind to a standstill and made myself stoic and silent to a point that every communicated concern was received as criticism because “you seemed fine” and the rest was just a life unlived, constantly playing back like blank frames in my head.
I feel sick. I’m so grateful for my therapist.
I’m not trying to be cool. I’d like to have reliability, fuel efficiency and weather-controlled cabin space. I have no interest in towing anything. I don’t care to pull boats, cars or jet skis. I care about safety, a decent stereo and whether my camera gear and longboards will be comfortable.
I’ve always been pretty obsessed with safety features and stability control. I even celebrated the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X for breakthroughs in AWD technology. I loved the Chrysler Crossfire for its stability control and lap times with a v6.
I like aesthetics far more than engines.
I’ve never worked on cars because I never wanted to. I did read magazines and watch Top Gear so I’d have some ways of relating to dad.
Now, I couldn’t be further away. …and I’m closer to his boat than I’ve ever been… but I’ve also never been a fan of boating. I only ever showed up for dad. I just wish I’d pushed when people discouraged me from camera gear a decade ago.
I grapple with depression, self-loathing and frustrated fear of the future knowing I wasted so much time letting people walk all over me and avoiding the conflict of standing up for myself. I literally wound up psychiatrically hospitalized a number of times because I was convinced I should keep it to myself and accept things or try to solve it all on my own.
I let emotions grind to a standstill and made myself stoic and silent to a point that every communicated concern was received as criticism because “you seemed fine” and the rest was just a life unlived, constantly playing back like blank frames in my head.
I feel sick. I’m so grateful for my therapist.
