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Family thoughts on Christmas...
Dec. 24th, 2025 03:32 amOne of the things that’s keeping me under guardianship is that I refuse to start live without a healthy relationship with family. Yes, we have an emotionally immature dad who was raised without much emotional support and everyone know that. Everyone in our what, 10 family names ecosystem is aware that dad’s always been a “fun, emotionally immature” manchild with enough success to forgive him. He’ll only hurt you if you piss him off and very few people have actually pissed him off. Even after he kicked me out as I jumped out the window to avoid a physical punishment, it took 8 months of living with my girlfriend before he cosigned my apartment, covered my car insurance and was always willing to pay for my phone and phone bills.
He sold me a $5000 car for $600 and then bought my apartment as a condo so we could renovate and I could lower rent.
Dad even let mom live in this townhouse he owned. One of the twins from Twinsite own a place around here, so I think that was an aligning motivation for his location choice. That and being near St Clair... and about 10 minutes drive away from Miller Marina, where he keeps Turn The Page.
I’m trying to find ways of communicating that dad’s a systemically successful, “emotionally immature” man without being an NPD case... because he’s not. He’s really just a mechanically gifted kid who never felt securely bonded emotional love because his parents were always stuck with Uncle Rick.
Yes, he fucks up and hides it. Yes, he’s willing to hurt people who threaten that image... including hiding when he hurts them.
He has never withheld financial support, ever. Literally ever... it’s practically his only way of showing love.
He’s not sadistic. He’s just terrified to lose positive attention and he’s fragile.
Another reason I refuse to let go of guardianship is that I’m about $20k in debt and I’m afraid of what I don’t know about the financial and legal world while also being terrified of connecting with myopically motivated, poverty-rooted people who may be a little “legally relaxed” in their morality.
I want to clear my debt, cultivate social support, nurture creative connections and ties with creative community, integrate safely and learn how the world works... then discuss a letter to be written and submitted by my therapist so the court can review and reassess my case.
Not only that... I want to rekindle an actual relationship with my family. We're massive... and practically nobody is very deeply connected with dad in any way that isn't exclusively vehicular. Even our cousin, one of his "closest friends" and his cousin... is just good friends with dad because he has like 60 cars and just bought one of dad's Vipers from him.
There's no relational conversation there. It's all fuel, fire and engines... with some checking in to see how people are, like asking about the weather.
I'll admit, our politician cousin checks in about dad at family reunions.
...everyone encourages me to have a healthy relationship with dad and that's what I'd like to have. I'm no longer immediately under his roof or in his path. I'm renting a place he owns, which we've all been discussing renovation ideas for... and we're planning to install vinyl plank floors, a glass door on the bathtub, repairing the garage walls, arranging the basement into efficiently used space...
Dad once bought me a Wacom Mobile Studio with an i7 so I could do graphic design work and even found me a guaranteed position with his friend who owns Competition Graphics. He helped me pay for a PT Cruiser and almost gave me a Crossfire which I personally vetoed and refused to sign on because WTF... he was my guardian at the time and I was still on disability.
There's work to do, first.
My sister just wants a peaceful connection with all her family. Yes, the image must be sort of perfect because anything unknown can add friction and I'm sure she's afraid my therapy work will make me less tight-lipped but I'm not willing to start trouble. I'm only looking to feel secure in myself and emotionally secure in my relationships.
I want to travel... and to live. I wouldn't mind marrying a travel content creator or influencer... especially if we travel for regional cuisine. I'd likely aim for a gopro or dji action cam, plus dji's Osmo Pocket 3 and a drone rounded with a LUMIX GH7 and a series of video lenses... plus my personal portrait-centered camera.
I don't want children but I'd love to volunteer with the 501st and have a few cosplays... or the rebel-equivalent. I'd also love to shoot creative portraits and scenes using my brother in law's cosplay and maybe bring in his friends. I'd love to have a good relationship with all of them because they're intimately enmeshed with the geekdoms and nerd communities that prioritize creativity.
I've thrown away so many belongings while trying to reconnect with my personal creativity that I now require a replacement PC, external Wacom or drawing tablet... maybe a Macbook Pro and Wacom Cintiq... but there's so much more to do.
I'm planning these brilliant strategies for sustaining connections and value within dad's communities, including Jankowski Motorsport... they're rolling the SnoDrift again this year and I'd love to shoot some photos and video for them.
Aside from friendships and community, all the potential networking is a goldmine.
So... what do I do? It seems, regardless of my decisions, there's self-abandonment and I just turned 38 years old... I'm nearly 40 and I have zero "real world" experience and I'm constantly bombarded with jaded masculinity showing up in toxic ways around their views of "responsibility" for an adult male.
I'm certain those people have zero conscious understanding of how nervous systems, behavioral patterns and even fundamental aspects of memories and cognition are impacted by the exceptionally unique experiences and system oppression I've lived and been conditioned in.
He sold me a $5000 car for $600 and then bought my apartment as a condo so we could renovate and I could lower rent.
Dad even let mom live in this townhouse he owned. One of the twins from Twinsite own a place around here, so I think that was an aligning motivation for his location choice. That and being near St Clair... and about 10 minutes drive away from Miller Marina, where he keeps Turn The Page.
I’m trying to find ways of communicating that dad’s a systemically successful, “emotionally immature” man without being an NPD case... because he’s not. He’s really just a mechanically gifted kid who never felt securely bonded emotional love because his parents were always stuck with Uncle Rick.
Yes, he fucks up and hides it. Yes, he’s willing to hurt people who threaten that image... including hiding when he hurts them.
He has never withheld financial support, ever. Literally ever... it’s practically his only way of showing love.
He’s not sadistic. He’s just terrified to lose positive attention and he’s fragile.
Another reason I refuse to let go of guardianship is that I’m about $20k in debt and I’m afraid of what I don’t know about the financial and legal world while also being terrified of connecting with myopically motivated, poverty-rooted people who may be a little “legally relaxed” in their morality.
I want to clear my debt, cultivate social support, nurture creative connections and ties with creative community, integrate safely and learn how the world works... then discuss a letter to be written and submitted by my therapist so the court can review and reassess my case.
Not only that... I want to rekindle an actual relationship with my family. We're massive... and practically nobody is very deeply connected with dad in any way that isn't exclusively vehicular. Even our cousin, one of his "closest friends" and his cousin... is just good friends with dad because he has like 60 cars and just bought one of dad's Vipers from him.
There's no relational conversation there. It's all fuel, fire and engines... with some checking in to see how people are, like asking about the weather.
I'll admit, our politician cousin checks in about dad at family reunions.
...everyone encourages me to have a healthy relationship with dad and that's what I'd like to have. I'm no longer immediately under his roof or in his path. I'm renting a place he owns, which we've all been discussing renovation ideas for... and we're planning to install vinyl plank floors, a glass door on the bathtub, repairing the garage walls, arranging the basement into efficiently used space...
Dad once bought me a Wacom Mobile Studio with an i7 so I could do graphic design work and even found me a guaranteed position with his friend who owns Competition Graphics. He helped me pay for a PT Cruiser and almost gave me a Crossfire which I personally vetoed and refused to sign on because WTF... he was my guardian at the time and I was still on disability.
There's work to do, first.
My sister just wants a peaceful connection with all her family. Yes, the image must be sort of perfect because anything unknown can add friction and I'm sure she's afraid my therapy work will make me less tight-lipped but I'm not willing to start trouble. I'm only looking to feel secure in myself and emotionally secure in my relationships.
I want to travel... and to live. I wouldn't mind marrying a travel content creator or influencer... especially if we travel for regional cuisine. I'd likely aim for a gopro or dji action cam, plus dji's Osmo Pocket 3 and a drone rounded with a LUMIX GH7 and a series of video lenses... plus my personal portrait-centered camera.
I don't want children but I'd love to volunteer with the 501st and have a few cosplays... or the rebel-equivalent. I'd also love to shoot creative portraits and scenes using my brother in law's cosplay and maybe bring in his friends. I'd love to have a good relationship with all of them because they're intimately enmeshed with the geekdoms and nerd communities that prioritize creativity.
I've thrown away so many belongings while trying to reconnect with my personal creativity that I now require a replacement PC, external Wacom or drawing tablet... maybe a Macbook Pro and Wacom Cintiq... but there's so much more to do.
I'm planning these brilliant strategies for sustaining connections and value within dad's communities, including Jankowski Motorsport... they're rolling the SnoDrift again this year and I'd love to shoot some photos and video for them.
Aside from friendships and community, all the potential networking is a goldmine.
So... what do I do? It seems, regardless of my decisions, there's self-abandonment and I just turned 38 years old... I'm nearly 40 and I have zero "real world" experience and I'm constantly bombarded with jaded masculinity showing up in toxic ways around their views of "responsibility" for an adult male.
I'm certain those people have zero conscious understanding of how nervous systems, behavioral patterns and even fundamental aspects of memories and cognition are impacted by the exceptionally unique experiences and system oppression I've lived and been conditioned in.
