Christmas Sadness and Optimism

Dad sent me $400 on a Venmo transfer for Christmas so I just bought a couple of lights I was looking at since they were heavily discounted.

I'm just going to keep prioritizing what I care about... I won't make any purchases to support what might benefit dad's car stuff until he invests in a way that proves to me he wants me to... so I didn't buy a GoPro, rugged camera bag or snow boots for SnoDrift.

The 70-200 lens is really only "necessary" for racing, Viper stuff and protests or crowd work and I don't need a new bag at the moment. ...so I bought an SD300c and PL60c from GVM.

I can probably buy some Columbia boots in January or start ordering 24" GVM tube lights.

I'm not going to let myself walk around a rally event or race track, forcing myself into everyone's way with my thumb up my ass and a maximum focal length of 50mm.

This Conversation...

I've been brainstorming for about 2 years, now... how I can describe a fundamental aspect of photography for dad in a way that he'll understand and support it.

Prime lenses... stationary lenses are great for **planned** portrait and subject isolating photos. They're semi-inexpensive, offer gorgeous clarity and depth of field (DoF) for a specific focal length but they are severely limited for active events like racing, rallies, fundraisers, etc. Sure, if you're just relaxed and waiting for the perfect scene or stand where you can expect people... bam, a good portrait prime will help.

"Zooming with your feet" is also extremely distracting and sometimes disruptive or dangerous in a fast-paced environment.

I personally prioritize primes for what I want to be doing... in planned portraiture.

however, I also have a selection of lenses I personally want for crowd work and events. Either a 24-70/4 or 24-120/4 AND a 70-200/2.8

The number after that slash is essential knowledge, as well. A 4 means it's a fixed maximum aperture that might operate well outdoors or when you don't want extreme subject separation/isolation. Primes usually fall between F-stop 1 and 3 for their maximum aperture. The lower the number, the 'faster' the lens soaks up light so you can bring shutter speed up and still get a good exposure... and with a lower number, you get creamy, desirable bokeh or blur... that thing phones are now trying to fake and can't quite get right.

Bokeh is that creamy blur of color and light at the forefront and background of an image. It's that Out of Focus area, which draws your eye to the crisp subject... a car or face.

So, the 70-200/2.8 is a brilliant, all-in-one long focal length/telephoto lens that allows for spur-of-the-moment portraits like driver headshots and crew portraits because it has a wide maximum aperture... lower number... plus it features telephoto lengths which allow me to zoom in for rally cars, blasting around the stage without being in danger or zooming into pit crews running around a car without being in the way.

It also lets me pull back to 70mm which allows for decent shots of the whole car, surrounded by team members from a distance.

I already have an establisher... my 28/2.8 and a decent general prime, my 50/1.8

The NIKKOR Z 70-200/2.8 S is also designed to be fitted with the 2x teleconverter, not compatible with all lenses... but it can bring the range up to 400mm with limited clarity loss.

That means one lens to fit into my backpack with a small teleconverter for further functionality.

My concern is sort of frantic, because dad's getting older, I'm still on disability income and I'm desperate for supportive, healthy community connections. In my experience, all it takes is meeting someone once or twice to get acquainted as a photographer. I show up to SnoDrift or any Viper events, looking and sounding like I know what I'm talking about, with dad... who's sort of an automotive icon... and I have networking potential.

There are many, more expensive lenses... and also many cheaper lenses. Very few, if any, have the potential of a native mounted 70-200/2.8.

It's a standard, well-recognized event lens and an essential for any photographer's kit. That's just how the nature of light, positioning and movement work in certain situations. The 70-200 allows for exactly the sort of photography dad suggested... "Fly on the wall" photography.

It lets me exist but not insist... allows me to capture moments without stepping on toes.

Yes, I'm working on work... and getting off guardianship and disability. I'm in therapy... and I'm doing more than I've ever done to make a life for myself.

I'd really appreciate some grace, here.

There are certain requirements because I can't change physics. I can't give my camera more megapixels for functional crops... all I can do is basically give my camera binoculars.

There's a reason professional cameras are celebrated. They work with physical reality instead of digital adjustments like a smartphone. They also offer a sense of mindful intentionality which is peaceful and grounding.

It's essentially a perfect tool for someone in my position, with family so enmeshed in such cultures and lifestyles.

It wasn't my choice to be on disability income and I won't likely be able to get off, earn the lens AND pay off debts before dad passes away. Sure, we'll still have the house on Columbia... so a lake house in the family. We'll also have ties to cosplay and convention communities plus a massive Star Wars fan cave and... Jesus, the kids got a proper Spongebob claw machine for Christmas.

...how the fuck does anyone expect me to belong in this family if my own practical hobbies or skills aren't at a level that actually makes it useful and not gimmicky or distracting?

I had a few ideas...

So, my brother in law co-owns a business with his dad, who's been operating the business for about 50 years, now. They have a showroom and sell and install windows, doors and related projects.

I wonder what sort of advertising potential I could offer with my media gear. Photos and video certainly help... and the only ad I've ever seen for their store was like a 4x6 aspect ratio.

I may also be able to offer something for the "high class" (expensive frames) glasses place our cousins have been running for 40 years.

What really draws my attention for photography alone is the cosplay my brother in law has and wears... when it's not displayed on either side of his theater screen; Prince Armory Vader and Fett are usually there... and I'm really interested in shooting Vader playing pinball or Vader and Fett playing bubble hockey against each other.

This is one reason I'm fixating on any lights I may be able to adjust into reds, greens and blues... for sabers and general Dark Side aesthetic.

As for personal video goals... I had imagined shooting some flow artist friends in various places around where we call our homes; the Brooklyn MI area, Macomb County area... and all of Metro Detroit are somewhat easy to navigate and plan around. So is Jackson Michigan... or any places between Harrison Township and gram and gramp's place on Columbia... which is now a "lake house."

I guess I was really hoping to continue my sister's husband's tradition of massive kitchen table boardgames and tabletop sessions... since they have a massive table in their place and we have one at the lake.

I tend to hang back and silently observe because I prioritize things rarely cared about and some tend to intentionally shush me. As a kid, that meant comfortably holding a camera and occasionally having someone take it from me to get me in a frame or two.

I'm sort of hoping to bring that back.

I've reconnected with some childhood friends... at least 3-4 people I love and trust who I'm certain the family would still appreciate, although... many are from the Catholic schools we attended and I have no idea if that's cool with my sister's now Lutheran family... and some have voiced their perspectives against boats and lakes which I totally understand.

My scout buddy moved out of state... I thought it funny he attended the same church my sister was married from and the kids were baptised at. He moved around the time she swapped to Lutheran.

I saw a FB post of him racing around MIS (Michigan International Speedway) which is about 3 miles from the lake house. I'd have loved to not be living in dad's basement... or to have prioritized reconnecting sooner.

My decision to fully embrace being straightedge has come at a time when I realized what honestly matters to me and it's not drugs, alcohol, substances, gambling and guns.

It's life.

I'd love to continue the plan we had when I had my PT Cruiser and wear a Stormtrooper costume for the 501st.

Maybe, if I network with dad's communities... we can find ways of interplay with cosplay and cars.

I still love the aesthetic of our '33 Plymouth 2-Door sedan... in bright red. There are surely some cosplays and models who would love to shoot with it.

It's the only classic I can drive and dad made sure of that. It's an automatic with air conditioning and 5 seatbelts meant to be a permanent legacy for his family. I just don't know who's meant to work on it... if any work needs doing.

His Viper... probably not going to anyone in our immediate family, so that's the most practical choice for family, anyway.

I'd like to reshoot my sister's wedding parade; Plymouth as a carriage being pulled by a dozen Vipers driven by dad's friends.

Maybe I could shoot it with the kids involved, too.

I guess these are just thoughts about my immediate family.

My sister's son is the only reason I keep holding onto a Nintendo Switch. He plays... and plays Fortnite... which I'm not... super into.

I really don't vibe with guns and I've always been terrible at that sort of game as a result. Besides, he loves my cartoon voices but I'm sure he'd get annoyed quick.

He probably gets enough of that with their yearly Disney trips, anyway.

I have a beautiful, sort of image-oriented family that strongly to paranoidly protects itself... and that rubs off a bit.

I know our cousin who's a 911 operator moved into another house in the lake neighborhood. I haven't been there since... and her couple of kids are now in their teens.

I'm terrified of winding up in a permanent relationship with substances and welfare babies.