Dark Christmas thoughts

I read a suicide post today. Someone said they were ending their life tonight and I didn’t have any authentic encouragement because I genuinely believe I would be better off dead. I have a meaningless, isolated and stagnating life very heavily socially segregated since moving into Harrison Township and every effort seems to be popping in to cut me out of communities with fulfilling social connection and encouraging, non-competitive people. I have this whisper of fearful depression and lockup in my heart because I’m terrified of ending up alone or being forced into a stepfather role or married to a gun supporter, sports nut, military veteran, alcoholic, antivaxer, “pro lifer” or all of the above... this town’s sort of terrifying with its proximity to certain community centers and implied lifestyles.

Sure, the world is beautiful. I also love being able to appreciate certain people’s perspectives and learn what I can of them. I also despise the capitalistic nightmare of consumerism and feel increasingly tense, anxious and frustrated the more time I spend at home.

Yeah, I love expensive things... cameras and my priorities are meant to connect me with people and help me collaborate.

I don’t feel joy or fulfillment from any of this... noisy solitude.

I would rather sit and truly hear my music or sit in mindful silence... hearing the world happen and venturing to join it.

I couldn’t find words of encouragement for the suicidal person because... I agree with lots of their perspective.

I could die and be happier... and leave others happier. They’d mourn a little and grieve... then move on without their thoughts of me and be lighter for it.