Vent/rant about life and systems of domination

We live in a society, especially in certain communities, that encourages violence because when someone is violent, it’s easier to tell them why they’re wrong.

But it’s so much deeper than that.

We encourage conflict. We encourage aggressive sports, competitive violence in shows and video games. We make it fun and that triggers a motivation mentality.

We then give them tasks to complete before those rewards can be found and we give them deadlines and consequences when they don’t meet those requirements.

This is actually a very functional system when it’s not made for the individuals. It’s great for systemic progress. It’s great for economic and political dominance.

It’s just terrible for the human mind and body, especially those of us a little more sensitive than the rest. Sensitive… it means receptive, aware, deep processing. It means we take more time to consider and to understand and when we’re pushed to react before completing that process it means incomplete and potentially “irresponsible” decisions.

This can be especially problematic for people with “low ego strength” or horrible self-esteem. For instance, myself… diagnostic note of “low ego strength” at age 13-14 and actively suicidal through my 20s because I have zero self value and I’m aware of it. I absolutely must live for others because I fundamentally believe I am a burden.

The funny thing is, “you’re not a burden,” “we love you,” and “you did it to yourself,” or “you can’t/shouldn’t do/this that,” “you don’t like people,” “you don’t want to be touched,” are things I’ve heard so frequently at this point I’d still rather be fucking dead than bother to integrate with a dominant community built on competition, sports, hunting, war and guns.

You know why I don’t like when you touch me? Because you’ve given me every reason not to trust you and I’ve been physically reprimanded without seeing repercussions and when I try to speak up I’m punished even further.

I love and feel so uplifted and inspired among people, especially crowds of empowered and joyful people. I feel hopeful. Maybe that’s why I love the lgbt community so much.

When I feel powerless and hopeless I would sleep all day, every day if I could. I would consume any and all medications and toxins I could just to stop breathing because the beautiful things I loved and cherished and felt uplifted and encouraged by are constantly discouraged by some communities, especially dominant conservative ones built on patriarchal values.

“Man up.” No

I want to feel. I want to live without the burdensome responsibility of children or being with a woman who has them after 20 years of active and intentional suicidal ideation and attempts.

I have an ignorant father who bullshits with people all the fucking time about “his son” when he’s talking about himself and yes, that causes problems. I don’t want his life. In fact, given a choice I’d never have spent another second around boats after age 18.

…I fucked up.

I let myself integrate so deeply with the wrong people for my constitution and emotional depth.

I’ve become numb and bitter because the only time my “family” act like they want me or even desire to tolerate me is when I’m silent.

Straightedge Introspection and Kink Reflection

An interesting difference between "sobriety" and being straightedge is the very intentional avoidance of promiscuity. While many people define edge for themselves and the core tenets are radical sobriety and abstinence from toxic addictions like gambling, we also fully embrace an 'intentional living' mindset which invites limitations on addictive media consumption of any kind and gaming.

It's a community consciousness that supports radical self-expression, human-centered thinking and the traditional punk ideologies of anti-establishment, progressive thought and advocacy for change.

There's also some very empowering hardcore music... which you don't always have to listen to but I enjoy quite a bit of it, when it's in support of awareness and not exclusively damning the suicidality of substance consumption (on any level - moderation is bullshit).

As for promiscuity... it's about hook-ups and meaningless sex for the sake of using a body for your own body. Straightedge aligns with my values for sensual, intentional connective sex. Collaborative at its core.

I've also had a few discussions with straightedge people in the kink community.

I finally have a sense there's a home for me in this world.

I sure as hell don't feel at home in a house with people consuming alcohol or smoking, let alone those who could be clinically diagnosed with substance abuse disorders.

I've spent far too much time witnessing people's recovery struggles and seen far too much death around alcohol alone.

Straightedge is who I am. Yes, I accept it as part of my personality. I'd also say photography and sitting in front of a PC not to game but to edit photo and video is part of my personality.

How does this fit into the kink community? Well, I'm more aligned with composition and filling a frame with intrigue and narrative than subject so I don't necessarily see that being kink-immersed for me.

Straightedge? I know I lose a great many 'opportunities' with that alignment but I also open myself up to truly fulfilling and secure connections. ...connections that might become lifelong friendships with whom I could spend time at our family "lake house" (the home our grandparents built on a developing lake when it was initially dammed and flooded).

I think there's more potential found in connections with like-minded people than to potentially surrender my values and lose myself.

Less risk. More reward.

Vent/rant continued

...My concern is actually that there are PhD psychologists and behavioral specialists who've identified societal conditioning factors that don't align with sustainable neurobiological health. Marshall Rosenberg is a prime example.

He pioneered a non-dualistic language model based on feelings and needs because he spent his life assessing different cultural behaviors and punitive dominance institutions.

Society itself, especially in times like we're facing now, prioritizes systemic achievement over mental and emotional health of humanity. Triggering statements made by powerful figures like, "empathy is the biggest threat to western civilization" is a good indicator of the effects of mechanical development over interdependent semi-socialism.

I'd honestly prefer death over integration with a patriarchal dominance hierarchy. I've been facing their institutions my entire life and it's all led me to the very real desire to leave them entirely.

I'm not angry... I'm terrified. I don't see the survival of our species if we keep fluctuating through waves of extreme civil unrest and violence, wars and eventual, mild pacifism... or at least complacency. ...for what? Technological advancement?

My biggest concern is how deeply enmeshed my immediate family is with all this. My father is a very prominent mechanical engineer who played an integral role in the development of the original Dodge Viper... hand chosen by Roy Sjoberg with a small, close team to work day in and day out to bring it from concept to inception to automotive history... and he stayed with the team until 2004-ish. Maybe later.

My cousin also worked with Chrysler and retired to become a conservative leaning local city supervisor.

I fundamentally think differently from all of them and I've been faced with comments like, "grow up" when trying to redirect back and forth political squabbles to a more human-centric viewpoint for my entire life.

The constant physical punishment and emotional abuse, withholding when I'm not silent or praising dad, breadcrumbing and gaslighting is crazy-making.

I find it interesting that Jacque Fresco is a brilliant mechanical engineer who came to very similar findings to Marshall Rosenberg. Alfie Kohn and Doctor Rosenberg wrote a few books on the subject of dominance hierarchies and their effect on human development along with communication models and frameworks of education which could allow society to truly thrive.

I legitimately felt fundamentally secure and known for the first time in my life when finding their work.

No Contact Regrets

I currently very deeply regret going no contact. I read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and it just super slapped me in the face. It makes so much sense. Between that and “rejected, shamed and blamed” by Rebecca Mandeville, my life suddenly feels less heavy... and more approachable.

I want to be part of my family. I desperately do. I just won’t be subjected to situations beyond my full control with them, especially my father. There are checklists and journal prompts in the books and between my mother and father, mostly dad... at least I fully understand how I can somewhat safely integrate.

I also have “healing from toxic relationships” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis which reconfirms the checklists and offers methods of confronting, avoiding, going no-contact, gray rocking and even somewhat safely integrating when I bring all the books collective knowlege together.

I have a very resourced and somewhat wealthy family. I have mutual interests with many and a lot of friends they’d get along great with but I have also basically been asleep at the wheel for a decade and actively suicidal... not the best place to be at for healthy connection.

I’m a photographer with a family of car, boat and cosplay enthusiasts with expansive community around all those things and a bunch of cars, cosplay and a literal fan cave basement complete with theater, arcade... mini bar which is not my thing but we also have a dry bar at our lake house which I’m not keen on and dad’s Dodge Viper community connections are massive and enmeshed because he and his friends (Team Viper) engineered the car from conception.

I am chomping at the bit to live my life as a photographer... plus dad’s friends own Jankowski Motorsport.

Thing is, I have to be absolutely perfect for dad’s ego and insecurity to be kept at a sustainable level and I can’t mention any transgressions or it might trigger a semi-unpredictable, protective resentment pattern. If I’m perfect, he usually literally pays handsomely with extravagant gifts and frequent support packages like take out or food and snacks. Even literal cars.

I don't know if it's worth retraumatizing.

Dad is definitely emotionally immature. It's only when triggered that he shows defensive narcissistic patterns. Otherwise, he’s generous and charismatic... charitable even. But I guess those are also narcissistic patterns; caring more for outside community to maintain an image while neglecting or withholding from intimate relationships or family.

I have an option to go to Thanksgiving dinner but I’m being told I’m required to ride with dad. He called “only the ride home” a compromise... I bike everywhere. I kinda want to play with my nephew in the arcade. He’s old enough he could probably kick my ass at all the games, now.