seeyat

We live in a society, especially in certain communities, that encourages violence because when someone is violent, it’s easier to tell them why they’re wrong.

But it’s so much deeper than that.

We encourage conflict. We encourage aggressive sports, competitive violence in shows and video games. We make it fun and that triggers a motivation mentality.

We then give them tasks to complete before those rewards can be found and we give them deadlines and consequences when they don’t meet those requirements.

This is actually a very functional system when it’s not made for the individuals. It’s great for systemic progress. It’s great for economic and political dominance.

It’s just terrible for the human mind and body, especially those of us a little more sensitive than the rest. Sensitive… it means receptive, aware, deep processing. It means we take more time to consider and to understand and when we’re pushed to react before completing that process it means incomplete and potentially “irresponsible” decisions.

This can be especially problematic for people with “low ego strength” or horrible self-esteem. For instance, myself… diagnostic note of “low ego strength” at age 13-14 and actively suicidal through my 20s because I have zero self value and I’m aware of it. I absolutely must live for others because I fundamentally believe I am a burden.

The funny thing is, “you’re not a burden,” “we love you,” and “you did it to yourself,” or “you can’t/shouldn’t do/this that,” “you don’t like people,” “you don’t want to be touched,” are things I’ve heard so frequently at this point I’d still rather be fucking dead than bother to integrate with a dominant community built on competition, sports, hunting, war and guns.

You know why I don’t like when you touch me? Because you’ve given me every reason not to trust you and I’ve been physically reprimanded without seeing repercussions and when I try to speak up I’m punished even further.

I love and feel so uplifted and inspired among people, especially crowds of empowered and joyful people. I feel hopeful. Maybe that’s why I love the lgbt community so much.

When I feel powerless and hopeless I would sleep all day, every day if I could. I would consume any and all medications and toxins I could just to stop breathing because the beautiful things I loved and cherished and felt uplifted and encouraged by are constantly discouraged by some communities, especially dominant conservative ones built on patriarchal values.

“Man up.” No

I want to feel. I want to live without the burdensome responsibility of children or being with a woman who has them after 20 years of active and intentional suicidal ideation and attempts.

I have an ignorant father who bullshits with people all the fucking time about “his son” when he’s talking about himself and yes, that causes problems. I don’t want his life. In fact, given a choice I’d never have spent another second around boats after age 18.

…I fucked up.

I let myself integrate so deeply with the wrong people for my constitution and emotional depth.

I’ve become numb and bitter because the only time my “family” act like they want me or even desire to tolerate me is when I’m silent.