No Contact Regrets
Nov. 25th, 2025 11:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyatI currently very deeply regret going no contact. I read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” and it just super slapped me in the face. It makes so much sense. Between that and “rejected, shamed and blamed” by Rebecca Mandeville, my life suddenly feels less heavy... and more approachable.
I want to be part of my family. I desperately do. I just won’t be subjected to situations beyond my full control with them, especially my father. There are checklists and journal prompts in the books and between my mother and father, mostly dad... at least I fully understand how I can somewhat safely integrate.
I also have “healing from toxic relationships” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis which reconfirms the checklists and offers methods of confronting, avoiding, going no-contact, gray rocking and even somewhat safely integrating when I bring all the books collective knowlege together.
I have a very resourced and somewhat wealthy family. I have mutual interests with many and a lot of friends they’d get along great with but I have also basically been asleep at the wheel for a decade and actively suicidal... not the best place to be at for healthy connection.
I’m a photographer with a family of car, boat and cosplay enthusiasts with expansive community around all those things and a bunch of cars, cosplay and a literal fan cave basement complete with theater, arcade... mini bar which is not my thing but we also have a dry bar at our lake house which I’m not keen on and dad’s Dodge Viper community connections are massive and enmeshed because he and his friends (Team Viper) engineered the car from conception.
I am chomping at the bit to live my life as a photographer... plus dad’s friends own Jankowski Motorsport.
Thing is, I have to be absolutely perfect for dad’s ego and insecurity to be kept at a sustainable level and I can’t mention any transgressions or it might trigger a semi-unpredictable, protective resentment pattern. If I’m perfect, he usually literally pays handsomely with extravagant gifts and frequent support packages like take out or food and snacks. Even literal cars.
I don't know if it's worth retraumatizing.
Dad is definitely emotionally immature. It's only when triggered that he shows defensive narcissistic patterns. Otherwise, he’s generous and charismatic... charitable even. But I guess those are also narcissistic patterns; caring more for outside community to maintain an image while neglecting or withholding from intimate relationships or family.
I have an option to go to Thanksgiving dinner but I’m being told I’m required to ride with dad. He called “only the ride home” a compromise... I bike everywhere. I kinda want to play with my nephew in the arcade. He’s old enough he could probably kick my ass at all the games, now.
I want to be part of my family. I desperately do. I just won’t be subjected to situations beyond my full control with them, especially my father. There are checklists and journal prompts in the books and between my mother and father, mostly dad... at least I fully understand how I can somewhat safely integrate.
I also have “healing from toxic relationships” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis which reconfirms the checklists and offers methods of confronting, avoiding, going no-contact, gray rocking and even somewhat safely integrating when I bring all the books collective knowlege together.
I have a very resourced and somewhat wealthy family. I have mutual interests with many and a lot of friends they’d get along great with but I have also basically been asleep at the wheel for a decade and actively suicidal... not the best place to be at for healthy connection.
I’m a photographer with a family of car, boat and cosplay enthusiasts with expansive community around all those things and a bunch of cars, cosplay and a literal fan cave basement complete with theater, arcade... mini bar which is not my thing but we also have a dry bar at our lake house which I’m not keen on and dad’s Dodge Viper community connections are massive and enmeshed because he and his friends (Team Viper) engineered the car from conception.
I am chomping at the bit to live my life as a photographer... plus dad’s friends own Jankowski Motorsport.
Thing is, I have to be absolutely perfect for dad’s ego and insecurity to be kept at a sustainable level and I can’t mention any transgressions or it might trigger a semi-unpredictable, protective resentment pattern. If I’m perfect, he usually literally pays handsomely with extravagant gifts and frequent support packages like take out or food and snacks. Even literal cars.
I don't know if it's worth retraumatizing.
Dad is definitely emotionally immature. It's only when triggered that he shows defensive narcissistic patterns. Otherwise, he’s generous and charismatic... charitable even. But I guess those are also narcissistic patterns; caring more for outside community to maintain an image while neglecting or withholding from intimate relationships or family.
I have an option to go to Thanksgiving dinner but I’m being told I’m required to ride with dad. He called “only the ride home” a compromise... I bike everywhere. I kinda want to play with my nephew in the arcade. He’s old enough he could probably kick my ass at all the games, now.
