How it felt being a people-pleaser

I want to share my experience with being a people-pleaser around some communities that came into my life, as if by force... and refused to allow me to speak.

When I finally did speak, life became chaos.

I feel like I was being externally manipulated and socially coerced into being a musician. I wound up losing everything; friends, family, community, financial support and resources... just saying, “NO” to having my own kids, boats, sports, drums, pianos, guitars, violent sex, alcohol and other substances.

...just because I finally found some small breath of my own voice saying, “this is who I am” in a cartoonish voice with a camera in my hand.

I finally shared my values and the world and its inner-workings said, “fuck you.” Some of the manipulation found ways of saying, “you’re lying,” “shut up,” “be like us.” The worst is willing to say, “you don’t like you,” “you’ll like being us.”

I feel like I lost my soul, because the one that found me... or claimed me, wasn't mine.

2026 photo plans - Jan 11th revision

I have a plan to be prepared for the next time I walk into my brother in law’s basement. I currently have 4 K&F Concept stands with 90 degree adaptable light mounts. The GVM 25R series light bars come with batteries and I can mount them on those stands in a fully vertical alignment with full 360 degree rotation. These tube lights, including NP series batteries cost about $150/ea.

His B-B-Q is in July, I think… could be wrong.

My plan is to order 2 GVM 25R series tube lights and order a set of 800D light panels from Amazon, if the set is still under $200. They come with their own stands. That’s 3 months of purchases for me. I may also order a second Amaran Ace 25c. I’ve been planning a second one for backdrop lighting and concealable edge-lighting from behind a model.

Both the tube lights and 800D panel lights come with their own protective cases and I should have a couple of light stand bags coming, today. I have an old drawstring bag from a Red Wings lawnchair loveseat thing dad bought me years ago, for Boy Scouts. The chair was tossed a decade ago but the bag’s solid. That should hold 2 GVM 25R cases and a set of stands.

That’s the plan, anyway. I want exceptional portability and safely transported equipment, especially down there.

I would really like to be planning for dad’s August Kennonball, but I really am not willing to invest heavily in something he hasn’t communicated his desire for me to be involved with. I’m not even talking about him investing in a lens, although the gift of a telephoto would go a long way to setting me on that path. ...I just want him to show some enthusiasm for my interest in covering it with him.

I can probably order a semi-affordable clamshell backpack, a GoPro and a directed audio device within 2-3/months of the event. I think I’m holding hollow hope, though. I won’t be able to achieve any significant level of coverage or with my current lenses. I really can’t do any better than last year for either him, or my cousin. Although, my cousin’s trying to feature some of my photos in a Haggerty mag article he’s writing for his Pony Classics community.

I may be able to work part time and afford more expensive gear. I was only able to afford a PlayStation 5 by working part-time at Magoo’s. I did wind up immediately trading that for an iPad Pro 11 for photography.

I’ve also been looking into 2x NiteCore flashlights for light painting and a pair of Nothing earbuds with a 45hr battery life and a case form factor of .75 inches of width to slip into any bag or pack I have. The flashlights and earbuds are ~$65/ea.

I’ll probably bring a SmokeNinja into this at some point… it’s the most functional option for fogging up the scene in my brother in law’s basement.

...

I'm considering prioritizing an Ants On A Melon RGB flashlight/light painting beginner kit before buying the IP68 rated waterproof Nitecore flashlight, which I was planning on using in the water at the lake and also keeping as an EDC flashlight... due to my obsessive fixation with flashlights since Boy Scouts.

The beginner kit is ~200. It comes with fiber optics for light painting in portraits, a painting tip and saber tube.

I'm hoping to paint around dad's Viper if we spend the night at the lake once more before the Kennonball in August.