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seeyatOnce in awhile I like to publicly introspect to be sure anyone who cares is aware of my values so everyone is either on the same page or they can make a decision to part ways.
Life improved dramatically when the doc took me off antidepressants but not because of the med change. It improved because I also permanently abolished isolating and stagnating hobbies and chose to claim straightedge and get a vasectomy.
I’d been actively suicidal while taking the meds and not pursuing therapy. My life wasn’t improving while stationarily isolating from the world and relationships. It was only growing worse... in fact, it was a rather cyclical process. I noticed emotional pits related to owning my first Xbox 360 and seeking unfulfilling online relationships on VC with other gamers. I actually smashed that system against a coffee table in front of someone after attempting to explain my emotional downturn for a few weeks or months prior.
It seemed to be received as complaints about a money thing when I was just begging for a more fulfilling life and communicating the state of my mental health and what seemed to be attributing to a lack of fulfillment and isolating depression.
I was never, nor did I ever intend to be or want to be a "gamer" but I did use an Xbox 360 as a crutch to protect me from connecting with what I perceived to be unhealthy and undesirable influences while living in certain inescapable situations.
My mind craves novelty, exploration, fresh environments and new, healthy connections and collaborative effort. Many people have these needs but they fulfill them without even knowing it through working, even when the work seems miserable... they're meeting social and collaborative needs with a sense of purpose and routine.
They're enriching their life in more than financial ways.
I just spent the last 5 or so years, through covid until recently biking, skating, singing and being openly social with photography and videography for performance artist friends and acquaintances. I even lived a year with a lovely person I met at a kink event. I also worked full time as a dish tech at a number of restaurants; Carrabba's, Bad Brad's, Stoney Creek Roadhouse... and part time at Magoo's Pet Outlet.
Turns out, what I needed was novelty and social connection. Just as I had and thrived with during childhood... I even shared my experiences on socials and recorded helmet cam footage to feel known and seen.
I only needed authentic connection and fulfillment to avoid the suffering and self-loathing.
There is also no foundational evidence that SSRIs do anything to directly influence mood.
Getting off was the best decision I ever made, along with abolishing video games, dropping the dead weight of undesired and unplayed musical instruments I only bought because someone suggested them, disconnecting from unhealthy influences, cutting drug connections and reconnecting with old friends from childhood.
During a number of crucial moments in my development, and for a great length of time and neurological adaptation, I was locked in facilities wherein which my only responsibility was sleep and wait for instructions.
I have developed a very powerful, intrinsic desire to wait, often overpowering any and all other urges to live, especially with the slightest hint that I might disappoint anyone or piss them off.
Understanding that with certain conditions I can thrive, identifying those conditions and surrounding myself with novel and educational coping skills and creative tools might be some of the only ways to motivate me.
If I can continue connecting and staying in touch with people, maintaining discourse and feeling encouraged to try, learn and do... I might have a chance at life but I cannot allow myself to simply be directed and silenced anymore.
Nor can I accept when people tell me I don't "need to know" something. Any level of curiosity of the human mind requires satisfaction. Otherwise, we truly do feel unfulfilled, unmotivated to try, devalued and worthless.
I've got lots of missing context of experience and education mixed with this cognitive conditioning of learned helplessness.
Historically, wasted time only becomes spirals of internalized shame, self-blame, depression and eventual suicidal ideation.
I'm no longer pretending to care about playing an instrument, holding onto video games expecting people to drop in and play them or self-isolating with them as intentional social defense, worrying about whether people want to know me or just feed me drugs to fit me in, terrified over whether someone's just going to pump me for sperm and seed a baby... I'm in therapy and I'm becoming aware of myself and my goals.
Media capture and editing; photo, video and audio plus the process of working toward a project's completion in front of a computer has been one of the more beautiful ways I've found to meet my collaborative and creative needs as well as a need for challenge and accomplishment.
From here, I have the ability to connect with others, discern my next move and realize healthy decisions for my future.
Life improved dramatically when the doc took me off antidepressants but not because of the med change. It improved because I also permanently abolished isolating and stagnating hobbies and chose to claim straightedge and get a vasectomy.
I’d been actively suicidal while taking the meds and not pursuing therapy. My life wasn’t improving while stationarily isolating from the world and relationships. It was only growing worse... in fact, it was a rather cyclical process. I noticed emotional pits related to owning my first Xbox 360 and seeking unfulfilling online relationships on VC with other gamers. I actually smashed that system against a coffee table in front of someone after attempting to explain my emotional downturn for a few weeks or months prior.
It seemed to be received as complaints about a money thing when I was just begging for a more fulfilling life and communicating the state of my mental health and what seemed to be attributing to a lack of fulfillment and isolating depression.
I was never, nor did I ever intend to be or want to be a "gamer" but I did use an Xbox 360 as a crutch to protect me from connecting with what I perceived to be unhealthy and undesirable influences while living in certain inescapable situations.
My mind craves novelty, exploration, fresh environments and new, healthy connections and collaborative effort. Many people have these needs but they fulfill them without even knowing it through working, even when the work seems miserable... they're meeting social and collaborative needs with a sense of purpose and routine.
They're enriching their life in more than financial ways.
I just spent the last 5 or so years, through covid until recently biking, skating, singing and being openly social with photography and videography for performance artist friends and acquaintances. I even lived a year with a lovely person I met at a kink event. I also worked full time as a dish tech at a number of restaurants; Carrabba's, Bad Brad's, Stoney Creek Roadhouse... and part time at Magoo's Pet Outlet.
Turns out, what I needed was novelty and social connection. Just as I had and thrived with during childhood... I even shared my experiences on socials and recorded helmet cam footage to feel known and seen.
I only needed authentic connection and fulfillment to avoid the suffering and self-loathing.
There is also no foundational evidence that SSRIs do anything to directly influence mood.
Getting off was the best decision I ever made, along with abolishing video games, dropping the dead weight of undesired and unplayed musical instruments I only bought because someone suggested them, disconnecting from unhealthy influences, cutting drug connections and reconnecting with old friends from childhood.
During a number of crucial moments in my development, and for a great length of time and neurological adaptation, I was locked in facilities wherein which my only responsibility was sleep and wait for instructions.
I have developed a very powerful, intrinsic desire to wait, often overpowering any and all other urges to live, especially with the slightest hint that I might disappoint anyone or piss them off.
Understanding that with certain conditions I can thrive, identifying those conditions and surrounding myself with novel and educational coping skills and creative tools might be some of the only ways to motivate me.
If I can continue connecting and staying in touch with people, maintaining discourse and feeling encouraged to try, learn and do... I might have a chance at life but I cannot allow myself to simply be directed and silenced anymore.
Nor can I accept when people tell me I don't "need to know" something. Any level of curiosity of the human mind requires satisfaction. Otherwise, we truly do feel unfulfilled, unmotivated to try, devalued and worthless.
I've got lots of missing context of experience and education mixed with this cognitive conditioning of learned helplessness.
Historically, wasted time only becomes spirals of internalized shame, self-blame, depression and eventual suicidal ideation.
I'm no longer pretending to care about playing an instrument, holding onto video games expecting people to drop in and play them or self-isolating with them as intentional social defense, worrying about whether people want to know me or just feed me drugs to fit me in, terrified over whether someone's just going to pump me for sperm and seed a baby... I'm in therapy and I'm becoming aware of myself and my goals.
Media capture and editing; photo, video and audio plus the process of working toward a project's completion in front of a computer has been one of the more beautiful ways I've found to meet my collaborative and creative needs as well as a need for challenge and accomplishment.
From here, I have the ability to connect with others, discern my next move and realize healthy decisions for my future.
