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seeyat"Unfortunately, so many of us learned to build our identities around our behavior (through reward or punishment or connection/disconnection in childhood) instead of learning to become aware of the *impact* of our behavior on ourselves, others, and the environments around us.
If we would’ve learned more about impact, it would allow us the ability to be more self-aware; to get curious when we react poorly, or when someone comes to us upset about how we’ve hurt them.
To put space between who we ARE and what we DO.
Instead, by learning that we are defined by our behavior,
we didn’t get the opportunity to feel fully seen and understood.
And because being seen and understood is a core attachment need, if we didn’t feel seen for who we actually were (which is inherently good, worthy, and lovable despite our behavior; we just needed help!), then shame formed in the place where that need went unmet.
(This idea that you are your behavior is reinforced everywhere, too [hello Cancel Culture] - and that is part of why we struggle to grow as a society.)
And where there is shame, you will find coping mechanisms.
Defensiveness is a protector.
You are not your worst behavior.
You are not your best behavior.
You are a human who is going to do a little bit of everything.
When the focus is on the behavior and not the person,
or when we conflate behavior with WHO someone is, we lose our ability the empathize, become curious, and learn about ourselves or others so that we can grow and develop.
Our behavior is constantly changing, and it’s changeable, and it will often reflect how we are feeling inside.
It can help us understand so much about our deeper selves when we’re willing to get CURIOUS about it.
The Relationship Management Workshop begins October 23rd. Come learn tools for creating healthier, safer, more balanced relationships, while actively practicing holding space, asking for what you need, letting others see you, and much more — and watch the ripple effect begin in your own circles.
Last workshop of 2025! Only a couple of spots left.
https://theeqschool.co/relationship-management-workshop
"
If we would’ve learned more about impact, it would allow us the ability to be more self-aware; to get curious when we react poorly, or when someone comes to us upset about how we’ve hurt them.
To put space between who we ARE and what we DO.
Instead, by learning that we are defined by our behavior,
we didn’t get the opportunity to feel fully seen and understood.
And because being seen and understood is a core attachment need, if we didn’t feel seen for who we actually were (which is inherently good, worthy, and lovable despite our behavior; we just needed help!), then shame formed in the place where that need went unmet.
(This idea that you are your behavior is reinforced everywhere, too [hello Cancel Culture] - and that is part of why we struggle to grow as a society.)
And where there is shame, you will find coping mechanisms.
Defensiveness is a protector.
You are not your worst behavior.
You are not your best behavior.
You are a human who is going to do a little bit of everything.
When the focus is on the behavior and not the person,
or when we conflate behavior with WHO someone is, we lose our ability the empathize, become curious, and learn about ourselves or others so that we can grow and develop.
Our behavior is constantly changing, and it’s changeable, and it will often reflect how we are feeling inside.
It can help us understand so much about our deeper selves when we’re willing to get CURIOUS about it.
The Relationship Management Workshop begins October 23rd. Come learn tools for creating healthier, safer, more balanced relationships, while actively practicing holding space, asking for what you need, letting others see you, and much more — and watch the ripple effect begin in your own circles.
Last workshop of 2025! Only a couple of spots left.
https://theeqschool.co/relationship-management-workshop
"
