Attempting to internalize a complex conversational consciousness

Someone on reddit asked, "If the world is unfair and there’s no karma, why do you still choose to do good?"

My answer:

I don't see the world in black and white, good and bad or right and wrong... I see life with much more complexity than that. Religion, cultures, governing systems of law... praise and punishment try to condition us to believe in a "simpler" way of looking at things. I think much of human history has had trouble defining any other systems of social control and attempted cohesion.

I view life as much more expansive. I see a bunch of complex biological beings, all trying to survive and thrive to the best of their ability. Every one of those creatures have fundamental needs. Plants need water, light, nutrient-rich soil... simple.

Many mammals need food, water, exercise, companionship, warmth, sexual satisfaction and various levels of fulfillment.

Human beings need food, water (subsistence and sustenance), warmth, emotional fulfillment, companionship, sexual satisfaction, a sense of purpose, support and belonging... and various levels of achievement and appreciation.

Every one of us, as an individual, is trying to meet those needs in the ways we were taught that actually found rational anchors with our lived reality.

Our current systems of groupthink management try to manage millions and billions of people simultaneously with ultra-simplified educations around right and wrong, good and bad... but we're all trying to meet the needs we've been biologically bred to crave and be motivated by.

I believe in life-serving behavior. I believe in individual, cultural and universal awareness... and I think our minds will occasionally focus on individual needs when stressed, group or cultural needs when small community-mindedness seems essential and I think sometimes, the rare human comes along with a universal awareness and the presence of mind and resources to act in favor of the whole.

Stress, illness, limited resources and traumatized nervous systems can condition people to act 'selfishly' and only focus on individual needs. By that logic, why would I not be as kind as possible and supportive to whomever I meet?

"Would [you] date yourself? Why or why not?"

Never. First, I'll lead with this quote from a social post, "I want people to know that domestic violence does not always come in the form of bruises or wounds. Domestic Violence can be punching holes in walls, tearing walls apart, punching holes in doors, breaking your household items, backing you into a corner, and threatening you."

It terrifies me that my father showed all these behaviors and while living alone with him, I learned to punch holes in walls to make a statement he’d hear.

I would never back anyone into a corner but as a kid, I did respond to perceived threats to my wellbeing by scaring people and pushing them away.

Dad has blocked doors, driveways and physically restrained while yelling about listening to him.

He’s actively denied and gaslit on most of his behaviors and terrifyingly, still laughs about some as “parenting behaviors.”

Our mother had us at a domestic abuse shelter when my sister and I were young kids, during the divorce.

I’ve been terrified of being in a relationship most of my life... while desperately craving that emotional intimacy.

...I’ve been in weekly therapy for a few years, now. I’ve also obsessively consumed, responded to, studied and passively engaged with therapy content, relationship content, nonviolent communication studies, attachment theory and mental health frameworks like the Power Threat Meaning Framework.

...still, I see myself getting excited and even raising my voice with concerns about life and injustice when I’m on therapy web calls... less so in person.

I’ve been shamed and punished for feeling sad, told to force smiles for dad’s boat and car events and restaurant dinners, told I’m angry when I’m scared and told to stop being scared when it’s clear as day.

I force my own solitude... because I don’t ever want to be this.

"What kind of person were you in high school?"

Here are some photos from junior and high school, including a few from when I'd just moved into my girlfriend's place. She's wearing my Tripp straightjacket.

I never actually played that guitar, or any instrument for that matter. I just really enjoyed listening to music, writing poetry and occasionally singing, when I was comfortably alone or in my car. Mom bought me the guitar... maybe with some hopes.

I was quiet, sort of broody but an enthusiastic hugger. I’d just as soon pick up a more petite friend and twirl them around hug as I would listen to your problems and go home to write you a poem. I’d either send the poem in AIM or Yahoo! ...Trillian was an all-access messenger I used... or I’d print it or write it down.

When it was my turn to read a textbook entry, I’d do it in a weird voice and only rarely get redirected or reprimanded. I always had a book in my bag, even if I wasn’t reading it. My Aunt Mary gave me the Barnes and Nobles Classic prints of Frankenstein and Dracula when I was 12 or 13 and I just always had weird books on me; Brave New World, 1984, Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide...

When I got home, you could find me with my 5-disc Panasonic Stereo on at least quietly or maybe my Klipsch 2.1 blasting mp3 downloads... and I’d be editing in Photoshop or some random video editor trial... sometimes pirated software. ...Asheron’s Call would be running Decal plugins in a tab ...all on my HP Media Center PC.

I’d make a point to leave home as often as possible; walking through the woods behind dad’s place, skating or rollerblading through mom or dad’s neighborhoods.

...visited with a friend or friends connected to a cluster around a girl named Tata... spent my 11th grade summer walking to my girlfriend, Paige’s place 5 miles everyday, wearing Tripp pants and diving in her pool with her twin sister then switching into their size 0 pants while mine dried.

I went to my first Warped Tour with them.

I was... odd. I was also sober and fully opposed to substance use.

I met a few people on Myspace around 16-17 and started dating one, spending all my time with her whenever possible... I stayed the night with her and some friends one night and came home to raging dad and my stepmom screaming, "Be a man! Be the dad!" so I ran up to my room with dad chasing me then barricaded the door, called my friends back and jumped out the second story window. Dad refused to let me back home and started telling people, "Lisa (stepmom) was scared! He was violent!"

About a week later, dad had the cops come and pull me out of math class and bring me to Havenwyck psych facility in Auburn Hills for the last time... I'd been there a few.

They held me for a while with no treatment plan and kept me an extra week because dad refused to take me home and mom had already moved into a one-bedroom apartment. He told the hospital he'd take me home but dropped me off in a motel where he paid for a week so I could figure things out. I chatted with some practical strangers from a friend cluster; Rich, Drue and a few others... I stayed with Rich about 2 weeks then moved in with my girlfriend where I stayed for about 8 months until turning 18 and moving into an apartment in Sterling Heights that my dad cosigned for.

I was alone for a while, then I heard some people a friend knew needed a place to stay so I let one "stranger" move in who asked if I could let his lifelong friend, PJ move in. ...I let that happen. I took in 2 strangers to a one-bedroom apartment and Rich shortly asked if he could come along. I let him... for a few months until he acted violently and got in some fights plus decided to take another roommate "car hopping" in the semi-decent neighborhood beside our apartment. They dropped a few bags of crap on my futon and when I realized what was happening, I asked them to stop.

The cops were called. One person was arrested. Rich hid between the freeway.

...honestly, I should have put my foot down the night he asked if we could drive by my dad's place because he "wanted to see it" and he whipped out a wrist rocket and blasted the siding. ...I think he also destroyed the rear window of our friend's boyfriend's parents Jeep Commander that night and it may have been the night he kept saying he was "done" then he'd come up with another BS reason for me to stop and he'd do something crazy.

I eventually just drove off when he wanted to "admire the manger" at a church but when I stopped he jumped out and stole a baby Jesus. I left him to walk home with it... and he dropped that ice-caked baby Jesus on the floor of my living room.

Things sort of went to flaming shit but I was always willing to drive people around and explore places I'd never been behind the wheel of my 2-wheel drive, '97 Jeep Grand Cherokee... the Nevercanezzar. (Because it never can ever go off-road)

There was plentiful coercion from friends who wanted me to smoke weed or do various drugs. I eventually caved and that led to letting them do drugs in my apartment.

...schoolwork suffered. I fell into depression and checked myself into a psych facility, hoping for the school to bring me my work so I could graduate. Instead, I was heavily medicated and couldn't finish the inconsistently presented work so I went without a diploma.

...so, you know... the usual.

Don’ts and dos of photography ...from an amateur (me)

Never buy a cheap tripod or light stand. Always weigh them and/or secure them.

Never leave home with a dead battery or full memory card. Carry spares. There are nice charger/storage cases made by brands like Neewer.

Never leave your camera or lenses completely unprotected in a full backpack. Invest in protective carry... even if not a “proper” camera bag. There are a plethora of padded lens pouches on the market.

Never put a fungusy old lens on a brand new camera. Clean your camera frequently and store it in a consistently cool and dry place. There are electronic dry cabinets on the market for humid or fluctuating environments.

Never loose carry your camera. Hand, wrist, shoulder and neck straps exist for a reason. I guess an understandable exception is exclusively studio-shooting but you’re probably tripod mounting then. I won’t dive into video and gimbal shooting rules here.

Buy and afix a camera cage if you’re wanting to shoot video or just prefer a more well-protected, if a little bulkier camera. I love my SmallRig cage.

Don’t be afraid of darker shadows if it means clearer highlights or brighter highlights if it means properly exposed shadows. ...discern and decide on the clarity of your subject or scene.

Never be afraid to expose for personal taste.

Don’t be afraid to play with light and shadows.