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seeyatNever. First, I'll lead with this quote from a social post, "I want people to know that domestic violence does not always come in the form of bruises or wounds. Domestic Violence can be punching holes in walls, tearing walls apart, punching holes in doors, breaking your household items, backing you into a corner, and threatening you."
It terrifies me that my father showed all these behaviors and while living alone with him, I learned to punch holes in walls to make a statement he’d hear.
I would never back anyone into a corner but as a kid, I did respond to perceived threats to my wellbeing by scaring people and pushing them away.
Dad has blocked doors, driveways and physically restrained while yelling about listening to him.
He’s actively denied and gaslit on most of his behaviors and terrifyingly, still laughs about some as “parenting behaviors.”
Our mother had us at a domestic abuse shelter when my sister and I were young kids, during the divorce.
I’ve been terrified of being in a relationship most of my life... while desperately craving that emotional intimacy.
...I’ve been in weekly therapy for a few years, now. I’ve also obsessively consumed, responded to, studied and passively engaged with therapy content, relationship content, nonviolent communication studies, attachment theory and mental health frameworks like the Power Threat Meaning Framework.
...still, I see myself getting excited and even raising my voice with concerns about life and injustice when I’m on therapy web calls... less so in person.
I’ve been shamed and punished for feeling sad, told to force smiles for dad’s boat and car events and restaurant dinners, told I’m angry when I’m scared and told to stop being scared when it’s clear as day.
I force my own solitude... because I don’t ever want to be this.
It terrifies me that my father showed all these behaviors and while living alone with him, I learned to punch holes in walls to make a statement he’d hear.
I would never back anyone into a corner but as a kid, I did respond to perceived threats to my wellbeing by scaring people and pushing them away.
Dad has blocked doors, driveways and physically restrained while yelling about listening to him.
He’s actively denied and gaslit on most of his behaviors and terrifyingly, still laughs about some as “parenting behaviors.”
Our mother had us at a domestic abuse shelter when my sister and I were young kids, during the divorce.
I’ve been terrified of being in a relationship most of my life... while desperately craving that emotional intimacy.
...I’ve been in weekly therapy for a few years, now. I’ve also obsessively consumed, responded to, studied and passively engaged with therapy content, relationship content, nonviolent communication studies, attachment theory and mental health frameworks like the Power Threat Meaning Framework.
...still, I see myself getting excited and even raising my voice with concerns about life and injustice when I’m on therapy web calls... less so in person.
I’ve been shamed and punished for feeling sad, told to force smiles for dad’s boat and car events and restaurant dinners, told I’m angry when I’m scared and told to stop being scared when it’s clear as day.
I force my own solitude... because I don’t ever want to be this.
