seeyat

So, my general goals around photography center on people. I want to make pictures of people… and life, and expressive performance and costumes; dancing, singing, playing instruments… and I’d like to create believable environments. I’d also like to work with color, because I’ve always been rather obsessed with colors; highlights, neons, pastels, bright colored lights, etc… laser lights, lava-lamp-esque electricity bottles, rainbows… and, if I’m honest, I’d rather be wearing those colors but I don’t have the money to maintain or even create an aesthetic that I truly feel at home in. Black’s a good base color… accessories can be any color. White and blue are also great base colors.

Anyway, I thought I’d list some desired investments in no particular order, with some reasoning behind them.

I’d like a few RGB tube lights for their versatility and I’d like them to be from GVM because I already own 5 GVM lights and they all work well with one another. The GVM 25R 24” tube lights are versatile for people, cosplay, car shooting and even music videos or recording a person playing an instrument.

I’d also like to invest in a male dress form with a head and posable arms because I have some clothes and would like to buy masks for variability. I’m happier shooting a model than I am with self-portraits, although I do enjoy the expressiveness, the process is a little… uncomfortable and awkward.

I’ve always been into clothing and still have some of the first outfits I’ve ever made because mom kept Ditcher’s clothes in a keepsake box.

Rob still has his cosplay, so I’m sure all of that could easily work into me offering something interesting for the family, along with the kids whenever they dress up even if it’s just for halloween.

As for me, I’d honestly be quite happy with dating or marrying a childfree, sober cosplayer. I could see myself living a more enriched life, even if she were a cosplay adult content creator. I could see our lives being more suited to one another than an offer of fatherhood or stepfatherhood. While it wouldn’t be ideal, there’d be a hell of a lot more excitement and likely travel and socialization.

I just don’t want to smoke pot or drink alcohol. That shouldn’t be too much to ask for. I don’t want the smell of smoke, weed or vape in my home… also not an impossible ask.

I’m hoping to invest in some light painting equipment like the Ants on a Melon Critter RGB flashlight and some modifiers. I’d like to paint with light around dad’s Viper and around some models and maybe just enjoy shaping things into my general photos. Extended shutter photos can be truly amazing. Just need to be careful about ambient light.

When I think about the uses for all these things, I also consider how they could all be contorted into something undesired. I could see how I could fall into certain communities and be swayed toward or coerced into certain actions and activities that I may not recover from at 38… things that might have been fun and enlightening in my 20s, that would now just be seen as immature and even creepy.

I suppose that’s a consequence or perk from living through my 20s stuck in my father’s basement without so much as the responsibility of work or consistent social obligation. No social-cognitive development beyond teenage experience and aligning dreams.

Photography, like many things… offers limitless potential for collaboration and connection and I think that’s why certain people are concerned about it… limitlessness. There are certain communities around her which thrive on their self-imposed limitations because a larger world terrifies them.

As far as I’m concerned, I would rather seek relationship than “responsibility” like fatherhood. I haven’t lived so much as a life that understands taxes, how the fuck can people assume I should be a father? It’s a perversion of the human condition to believe that everyone at a certain age needs to have their shit in such an order that they care for another life… I’ve barely cared for my own. The very idea is traumatizing.

Anyway, I’m also motivated to shoot some light painting long-exposures around the boat at our Lake Columbia house. Either the boat, or the jet skis could be drawn around or swam around with various angles. I think one of my ideas may require 2 people and 2 Nitecore waterproof flashlights, so it’s probably an eventuality.

I’m also considering a third GVM PL60c and waiting until I can find an affordable second SD300c. There are a wealth of modifiers for the SD300c in the form of Bowens adapted modifiers.

My personal comforts? A few foldable shelves, some of the highest possible quality Nothing ear buds, a Nothing smart watch… I’m thinking of some art for my walls, maybe a few more light strips from Govee, personal props for photography…

I’m looking into V-Flats; particularly at least 2 V-Flat v2 modifiers. I can use my black/white pop up for some light control but it’s also my only “seamless” backdrop at this time.

I’m looking into more of these investments than my own comforts, really… could by some boots and a new pair of shoes, clothes, new dishes, an air fryer… but that doesn’t matter as much to me as collecting all my desired creative equipment. Photo and video gear are expensive but very fulfilling… everything else can be secondary and eventual.

So, directed audio for rally and track racing can also be used for performance art and, let’s be honest, adult content… which can be made with a phone and a desk lamp, so there’s no real concern there.

A Zoom m3 mictrak is a good decision for photo and video capture kits. It can be used for continuous recording of audio at racing rallies and protest rallies or even pride events and general parades or festivals. It’s an all-around useful investment. Same can be said for lenses like a 24-70 and 70-200 which is a set of focal lengths many people use to connect with themselves and more deeply understand their truest motivations for shooting photography. They’re essentially universally useful lenses… but also exceptionally expensive so for now, I’m looking into important affordable equipment.

A backpack, like the Pelican Aegis backpack with the camera gear insert is a good clamshell, which I’m looking at… but it’s also not the only bag I’ll be buying, given that I do everything on foot and currently have no car.

Seamless backdrops are available from Kate Backdrop and a few other brands.

So, people shooting… things I want to do… I’ve got decent plans for.

Lenses are important and quite frankly, I’m exceedingly upset with myself for not just doubling down and buying the Sony camera I wanted in 2012-ish, just before my sister met and married a Star Wars and cosplay fanatic with enough money to make his dreams come true… because now they have two kids.

Once the more expensive investments are made, I can focus on additional stands and things like magic arms and adapters for fastening lights to things.

I’d like to plan some photo shoots around the 33 Plymouth. That’s a beautiful car and it’s capable of inspiring amazing aesthetics. It’s also the only auto transmission classic we have around here. It seats 5 including the driver… or has some space in the back for compact studio equipment.

I have a goal to have a second massive diffusion umbrella and 2 Godox AD300-AD600 outdoor flashes for the next family reunion but that’s unlikely and sort of difficult logistically, given I still don’t have a car.

The lake house does offer plentiful outdoor light. It also presents interesting opportunities for RGB-induced environmental modification.

I’m prioritizing constant lights and mostly GVM gear.

These are all very real possibilities even at age 38. This is beyond realistic to the point of plausible, possible and even beautiful… but it all requires constant therapy and communication studies efforts. I’d like a healthy, secure relationship with reliable, supportive partners… or just a wife. I mean, realistically, I can’t provide the way most patriarchally brainwashed women want me to. So, maybe I’ll avoid taking chances and prioritize polyamory because that’s at least an open-minded possibility.

...thinking on it, a proper desk, some RAM and maybe an Intel high efficiency GPU would be great, along with a Das Keyboard upgrade from this uncomfortable slimline.

Everything I’m focused on can offer lifestyle enhancement and personal satisfaction… and I’m refusing to spend on “myself” or my comforts before I invest in socially-oriented things.

Macro lenses… I and my family and friends know a great many toy collectors, model builders, miniature painters, LEGO addicts and generally very cool selection of macro opportunities. Atop myriad macro opportunities with car details and simply indoor boredom… the Z MC 105/2.8 would be nice.

My personal lens investments would cost less. Sirui Aurora 1.4 lenses are semi-affordable in primes like 35, 50, 85… doable for myself, if I work part time. That’s a discussion for myself and the guardian.

I’ll eventually own a Sony a7 body… so a full frame E-mount which opens up the Sigma lenses inaccessibly to native Z at this time.

What do I need for SnoDrift? A 70-200 range lens at least, possibly a 2x teleconverter to enhance that or a long telephoto between 150-600 coverage. I’d also like a decent GoPro and directed audio like the m3 Mictrak. I’d also need boots… have gloves and jackets… but a more appropriate backpack and maybe a smaller, belt carry pack for my camera that accommodates longer lenses. That’s in February, which makes it unlikely.

However, all that could also benefit dad’s Kennonball even in August along with cousin Mike’s Pony Classics at Waterford Hills in the same month. They’d also be great gear for walking the Woodward cruise.

I’m certainly missing a lot, and I’m probably turning people away with my “entitlement” of sorts… but this is literally just me trying to be part of my family. ...and it enlightens people to a my mind in ways that I’m already afraid to share for fear of judgment, shame and redirection toward more “manly” hobbies.

So, here it is… here I am. Bored, tired, a little distracted and even… hopeful, I guess.