seeyat

I think I understand why BDSM’s sub and dom play concern me so much. I understand the conditioning factors of dominant language and submissive language in punitive structures. I understand the idea of shaming and punitive redirection in human behavioral “education.”

I recognize parallels in how many of us are conditioned toward sexuality and pleasure in general. We tend to be conditioned toward very strict guidelines for “acceptable” behaviors.

I am also aware a person can become emotionally dysregulated and need to practice mindful exercises, potentially seek therapy and explore their trauma history, focus on emotional awareness and regulating behavior patterns. I see patterns between dominance and dysregulated anger or aggression with similarities between submission and depression or simply giving up hope.

Aggression acts out. Depression gives up. Dominance forces its will. Submission surrenders control. Whether it's "consented" or not, there's something irksome and concerning to this dynamic.

It pains me to see how often the effects of emotional dysregulation and unhealthy relationships can lead one to drug use, self-abuse and addiction. It’s also difficult not to see BDSM as a sort of “sexual dysregulation.” I also understand why people would cling to defensiveness and denial that it’s unhealthy. After all, that’s a common theme for drug addicts.

I’ve personally dealt with mind-numbing porn addiction and unhealthy amounts of gaming to get through involuntarily living in places I was afraid of for various reasons; whether due to the people living there, the type of system it was, who ran the place or the area/neighborhood we were in. I locked myself in a room or even a basement to keep to myself and not bother/be bothered by anyone.

So, naturally, it scares me when people choose dominance as a behavior or behavior pattern to embrace when dealing with other people and it concerns me to see people embracing submission, whether they give me their reasons for it or not...

I have a hard enough time avoiding violent pornography. It's everywhere. I'm just grateful Pornhub implemented a more robust blacklisting feature.

I would never judge a drug addict for their addiction so why would I judge a BDSM or kinky person for their pleasure strategies? This is a systemic issue, not something wrong with them. Doctor Gabor Maté emphasizes asking “why the addiction?” ask “what is the addiction providing for the person?” or “Why is this life-serving?”

Our behaviors are always life-serving. Nobody is “wrong” for any of them.