The worst mistake I ever made...
Nov. 30th, 2025 12:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyatIn high school, just after a med change... when mom was living with my Scoutmaster, her new husband, I forgot to put a baseball bat away in the garage and it was too late to walk through the house. I tucked it under my bed and thought nothing of it.
The next morning, mom came in for her morning ritual. Wake me up with a kiss on the forehead then tell me, "10 minutes" and let me lay there until she came back to actually get me out of bed.
That morning I was feeling distraught; anxious from social issues tied to sexuality and masculine expectations, especially around puberty, the taboo of divorced parents that my own family stigmatized for me... I didn't want to go to school.
So, I pulled the aluminum bat up and slipped it under my covers, right next to my body and pretended to be asleep. Mom came in, leaned down and the moment she kissed my forehead again, probably the absolute worst emotional moment for this sort of surprise, I brought the bat up to a bunting position before she even knew what was happening. Her eyes widened like saucers and her limp arms rested her hands on the bat so I pushed up. The bat flowed like butter through her lifeless arms, clearly still in shock from the moment until the aluminum made contact with the front tooth, chipped it, broke her into a panicked scramble off my bed and she stumbled back, I think tripping over something but by that time I had started coming to grips with what I'd actually just done.
She ran out of the room and I just sat there... mouth breathing.
The cops were called, I was brought to an 8 hour juvenile detention 'scared straight' program and a local agency, First Resources North scheduled an appointment to decide whether I should stay in juvie or be moved into a place called Children's Home of Detroit.
My parents chose CHD. The acute unit... short term. Because it was technically classified as "treatment" in the short term unit, dad's insurance covered my stay... about 3 months until it was decided that I should move into long-term which was basically just a relaxed holding unit.
There was no therapy, no psych professionals, no doctors.
My parents, or specifically my father was then faced with figuring out how he'd pay for it so he brought in his lawyer and they all sat with me in a room, discussing "our options." That basically means a 15 year old kid sat there with his parents arguing over what they should do with him. Mom was adamant that dad could pay. He could... very easily given his income. Dad wanted his lawyer and the facility manager to find another way, which they did.
They called in a psychologist who refused to assess me because the stress of my living conditions could influence behaviors and results so they just contacted a doctor who had seen me a couple years prior, Doctor Patrick Ryan. Over the phone, they discussed upping an existing diagnosis to something that qualified for disability income. They landed on Asperger's Syndrome, which did qualify for disability income due to some of its related behavioral and apparently lifestyle-influencing symptoms.
So... I basically hit my mother with a baseball bat, shattered her trust in me and damned myself to a life on disability income.
...Until I find friends and community willing to basically treat me with the nurturing education I was robbed of by an emotionally and educationally absent father and a life of institutional living conditions with a distant yet over-nurturing mother or build my own confidence with consistent therapy, I'm stuck in this situation.
I'm currently working on the therapy route. The court requires that a therapist or counselor offer a comprehensive confirmation that I can handle life without a legal guardian... oh yeah, did I mention that I also signed myself over to a guardian when I was about 19 years old? Guess I left that part out. I'm now "legally incapacitated" as well as on disability income. So, every penny I earn is filtered through a court-appointed lawyer who also takes a bit under $100 from my already limited, $1600 income from Social Security. I rely on them for my therapy copays, phone bill, rent, utilities... and they drop about $200 for me to buy whatever, every month.
I can't earn too much with a "normal job" because the government already made it perfectly clear they'll serve me and request back essentially my entire paycheck after I worked full time in the service industry for about a year.
I've got goals, strategies and hobbies all streamlined and focused on socializing and eventually developing into a socially healthy, working member of society under these conditions but without the social and financial support I had when my mother was alive and my father was my guardian. He was providing food, insurance and vehicles that could keep me at his level of social living. He recently allowed me to move into townhouse he owns, where I pay $800 rent plus utilities... it's a difficult transition without the additional support.
Dad talks about renovating. He talks about various things he'll do or offer or invest but he's not making any effort.
For some odd reason, he seems to now believe that he no longer holds any influence or permission to offer his additional support... or he's differing all responsibility to my current guardian. He doesn't need to check with them for any level of gifting and it would be my responsibility to negotiate insurance if he were to randomly buy me a car. That's a discussion for him and I, not the guardian.
I did leave out some details about dad's behaviors after I got home from CHD. I did wind up living with my high school girlfriend when I was 17. I stayed with her family for 8 months until I turned 18 and dad co-signed an apartment he eventually bought when the units were being transitioned to condos.
At this point, my photography is a lifeline for all communities, including my father with his life. He's associated with some vast and valuable networks of resourceful humans... all of whom could be served by my media gear and lifestyle intentions which are currently stalled into a trickle of investment.
My sister, who used to be the person who basically held my father in line and verbally defended me, is now sided with dad... I can only assume it's because mom passed away and additional social supports moved on or moved away.
I've got some college credits. I also live rather close to a campus I can use them... unfortunately, driving distance.
There's hope... but that's the gist of it.
The next morning, mom came in for her morning ritual. Wake me up with a kiss on the forehead then tell me, "10 minutes" and let me lay there until she came back to actually get me out of bed.
That morning I was feeling distraught; anxious from social issues tied to sexuality and masculine expectations, especially around puberty, the taboo of divorced parents that my own family stigmatized for me... I didn't want to go to school.
So, I pulled the aluminum bat up and slipped it under my covers, right next to my body and pretended to be asleep. Mom came in, leaned down and the moment she kissed my forehead again, probably the absolute worst emotional moment for this sort of surprise, I brought the bat up to a bunting position before she even knew what was happening. Her eyes widened like saucers and her limp arms rested her hands on the bat so I pushed up. The bat flowed like butter through her lifeless arms, clearly still in shock from the moment until the aluminum made contact with the front tooth, chipped it, broke her into a panicked scramble off my bed and she stumbled back, I think tripping over something but by that time I had started coming to grips with what I'd actually just done.
She ran out of the room and I just sat there... mouth breathing.
The cops were called, I was brought to an 8 hour juvenile detention 'scared straight' program and a local agency, First Resources North scheduled an appointment to decide whether I should stay in juvie or be moved into a place called Children's Home of Detroit.
My parents chose CHD. The acute unit... short term. Because it was technically classified as "treatment" in the short term unit, dad's insurance covered my stay... about 3 months until it was decided that I should move into long-term which was basically just a relaxed holding unit.
There was no therapy, no psych professionals, no doctors.
My parents, or specifically my father was then faced with figuring out how he'd pay for it so he brought in his lawyer and they all sat with me in a room, discussing "our options." That basically means a 15 year old kid sat there with his parents arguing over what they should do with him. Mom was adamant that dad could pay. He could... very easily given his income. Dad wanted his lawyer and the facility manager to find another way, which they did.
They called in a psychologist who refused to assess me because the stress of my living conditions could influence behaviors and results so they just contacted a doctor who had seen me a couple years prior, Doctor Patrick Ryan. Over the phone, they discussed upping an existing diagnosis to something that qualified for disability income. They landed on Asperger's Syndrome, which did qualify for disability income due to some of its related behavioral and apparently lifestyle-influencing symptoms.
So... I basically hit my mother with a baseball bat, shattered her trust in me and damned myself to a life on disability income.
...Until I find friends and community willing to basically treat me with the nurturing education I was robbed of by an emotionally and educationally absent father and a life of institutional living conditions with a distant yet over-nurturing mother or build my own confidence with consistent therapy, I'm stuck in this situation.
I'm currently working on the therapy route. The court requires that a therapist or counselor offer a comprehensive confirmation that I can handle life without a legal guardian... oh yeah, did I mention that I also signed myself over to a guardian when I was about 19 years old? Guess I left that part out. I'm now "legally incapacitated" as well as on disability income. So, every penny I earn is filtered through a court-appointed lawyer who also takes a bit under $100 from my already limited, $1600 income from Social Security. I rely on them for my therapy copays, phone bill, rent, utilities... and they drop about $200 for me to buy whatever, every month.
I can't earn too much with a "normal job" because the government already made it perfectly clear they'll serve me and request back essentially my entire paycheck after I worked full time in the service industry for about a year.
I've got goals, strategies and hobbies all streamlined and focused on socializing and eventually developing into a socially healthy, working member of society under these conditions but without the social and financial support I had when my mother was alive and my father was my guardian. He was providing food, insurance and vehicles that could keep me at his level of social living. He recently allowed me to move into townhouse he owns, where I pay $800 rent plus utilities... it's a difficult transition without the additional support.
Dad talks about renovating. He talks about various things he'll do or offer or invest but he's not making any effort.
For some odd reason, he seems to now believe that he no longer holds any influence or permission to offer his additional support... or he's differing all responsibility to my current guardian. He doesn't need to check with them for any level of gifting and it would be my responsibility to negotiate insurance if he were to randomly buy me a car. That's a discussion for him and I, not the guardian.
I did leave out some details about dad's behaviors after I got home from CHD. I did wind up living with my high school girlfriend when I was 17. I stayed with her family for 8 months until I turned 18 and dad co-signed an apartment he eventually bought when the units were being transitioned to condos.
At this point, my photography is a lifeline for all communities, including my father with his life. He's associated with some vast and valuable networks of resourceful humans... all of whom could be served by my media gear and lifestyle intentions which are currently stalled into a trickle of investment.
My sister, who used to be the person who basically held my father in line and verbally defended me, is now sided with dad... I can only assume it's because mom passed away and additional social supports moved on or moved away.
I've got some college credits. I also live rather close to a campus I can use them... unfortunately, driving distance.
There's hope... but that's the gist of it.
