Essential Observations of Self
Oct. 15th, 2025 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyatEssential Observations of Self:
I notice that at certain times, in certain places, I feel a sort of pressure in my skull like sinus pressure that pounds on my head and face... and sort of sets me into a full-body numbness; like there's a blanket over my nerves, internally.
It's also a valuable insight to acknowledge that when I am in the droll darkness of a monotonous room, my senses and perceptual awareness recede and I pull myself into my head. I think... and lose attention to my surroundings.
I notice this with the color theme and bland carpet of this townhouse. I also know this feeling... recognize it from living in dad's basement without leaving. I escaped it for some time when I threw away my phone and started leaving everyday; visiting stores, befriending the employees, mall walking each day and visiting cemeteries by night.
I was skating daily; burning through shoes. I was also walking... and it's at this time that I decided to buy a Drift GhostXL camera and record myself. I wound up with quite a bit of footage and commentary. ...this lasted a few years.
I was simultaneously visiting and volunteering for Macomb Christian Church... previous to moving out while working at Bad Brad's. I made some friends... I think. Reconnected to more with whom I'd lost touch.
I lived in Livonia and shot photos all around during walks. I recorded some skates and bike rides with the GhostXL attached to my helmet.
...and I started feeling myself again. I returned to the parts of me once flourishing. ...only to lose it all quite swiftly after it slowed a little while living in Sterling Heights. I think Sterling Heights was a more specialized and intentional place for me to get around as I had been.
From here? Fucking nothing... just sinus pressure and discomfort. Zombification... discomfort and missing pieces.
I have Dad's dog, Natasha here... she's rather reminding me why I don't want a dog. I'd like to be doing things with people; having them here and leaving for extended periods.
I want to say it's nice to have her here. I prefer the company of human companionship for true co-regulation of nerves and feelings. Dogs are... I suppose a healthy-ish distraction from the world beyond and she certainly deserves all the love she can be given.
My TV is fortunately stuck in its reset cycle again. It turns on and off.. something must be wrong with the electronics. It started shortly after I plugged in the surround sound. I'm quit grateful for that. Historically, if I get too bogged down with technology and my head loses attachment to life, I'll use a pin setter to shatter a screen and give myself a chance to let go of sedentary anchors.
This is one of the reasons I tossed and gave away all my consoles and games. I had no interest in living an isolated, self-destructive and suicidal life any more.
On to feelings... I think photography may be one of the most valuable, healing pursuits I could ever set myself to task. One reason might be that when I sit alone too long... disconnected and smothering my feelings, I literally lose feelings.
I become somewhat of a rationally-minded sociopath guided only by morality and expectation. It's called intellectualizing and emotional bypassing. I get stuck in a "solve this" cycle which decays into depression and suicidal ideation.
I'd like to avoid that at all cost. I know the motivations for it. I know the stimulation for it. I also know necessary coping skills for prevention.
I must avoid the social isolation at all cost. ...photography may very well save my life or prevent emotional harm to self or others. If embraced fully, it may also reconnect me with awe, wonder and complete surrender to the vulnerability of emotion.
I notice that at certain times, in certain places, I feel a sort of pressure in my skull like sinus pressure that pounds on my head and face... and sort of sets me into a full-body numbness; like there's a blanket over my nerves, internally.
It's also a valuable insight to acknowledge that when I am in the droll darkness of a monotonous room, my senses and perceptual awareness recede and I pull myself into my head. I think... and lose attention to my surroundings.
I notice this with the color theme and bland carpet of this townhouse. I also know this feeling... recognize it from living in dad's basement without leaving. I escaped it for some time when I threw away my phone and started leaving everyday; visiting stores, befriending the employees, mall walking each day and visiting cemeteries by night.
I was skating daily; burning through shoes. I was also walking... and it's at this time that I decided to buy a Drift GhostXL camera and record myself. I wound up with quite a bit of footage and commentary. ...this lasted a few years.
I was simultaneously visiting and volunteering for Macomb Christian Church... previous to moving out while working at Bad Brad's. I made some friends... I think. Reconnected to more with whom I'd lost touch.
I lived in Livonia and shot photos all around during walks. I recorded some skates and bike rides with the GhostXL attached to my helmet.
...and I started feeling myself again. I returned to the parts of me once flourishing. ...only to lose it all quite swiftly after it slowed a little while living in Sterling Heights. I think Sterling Heights was a more specialized and intentional place for me to get around as I had been.
From here? Fucking nothing... just sinus pressure and discomfort. Zombification... discomfort and missing pieces.
I have Dad's dog, Natasha here... she's rather reminding me why I don't want a dog. I'd like to be doing things with people; having them here and leaving for extended periods.
I want to say it's nice to have her here. I prefer the company of human companionship for true co-regulation of nerves and feelings. Dogs are... I suppose a healthy-ish distraction from the world beyond and she certainly deserves all the love she can be given.
My TV is fortunately stuck in its reset cycle again. It turns on and off.. something must be wrong with the electronics. It started shortly after I plugged in the surround sound. I'm quit grateful for that. Historically, if I get too bogged down with technology and my head loses attachment to life, I'll use a pin setter to shatter a screen and give myself a chance to let go of sedentary anchors.
This is one of the reasons I tossed and gave away all my consoles and games. I had no interest in living an isolated, self-destructive and suicidal life any more.
On to feelings... I think photography may be one of the most valuable, healing pursuits I could ever set myself to task. One reason might be that when I sit alone too long... disconnected and smothering my feelings, I literally lose feelings.
I become somewhat of a rationally-minded sociopath guided only by morality and expectation. It's called intellectualizing and emotional bypassing. I get stuck in a "solve this" cycle which decays into depression and suicidal ideation.
I'd like to avoid that at all cost. I know the motivations for it. I know the stimulation for it. I also know necessary coping skills for prevention.
I must avoid the social isolation at all cost. ...photography may very well save my life or prevent emotional harm to self or others. If embraced fully, it may also reconnect me with awe, wonder and complete surrender to the vulnerability of emotion.
