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Oct. 12th, 2025 04:50 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyatI just woke up from a dream and felt a spike of worry.
Dad's violence and manipulation has torn apart both of his marriages. I can see the defensiveness he brainwashed into Andrea to be a potential motivator for her own divorce.
I don't want that to happen. I want her, Rob and their kids to have the most joyful, enduring relationship from which Harrison and Elizabeth learn to love and cherish one another and the rest of this beautiful species. I want to see them evolve as Disney kids and grow passionately into their own.
I want them to be emotionally aware of themselves and able to discern their personal "right path."
That said... it's very unlikely if Dad continues to successfully pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
It's very clear that Dad has historically proven to be frighteningly explosive when working on car projects and home renovation projects when things don't go his way. At the very least, most of the men in our family have witnessed it. I know because I've been present as they acted surprised and tried to forgive him for people in their own ways just as I've been present for the verbal and sometimes tool tossing violence.
Dad has a temper and a deep seeded need for control over mechanical things. He also displays those needs in his relationships.
My concern is that I am unwilling to lie for him. I have witnessed the damage it does and I've experienced it first-hand. I know the massive chasms it drives between people, including mom and her family, myself and my family...
Rob is a pretty easy-going guy who also celebrates things strongly. He carries Star Wars in his heart just like Dad carries cars, boats and rally. He builds community around it in much the same way, too.
I need to steel myself before Andrea blames her divorce on me. If Dad keeps up his charade, I see it happening. He's already driven a wedge between Adrea, Rob, their kids and myself at the very moment when Arthur was starting to celebrate my existence as a goofy voice character type. Arthur was trying to encourage Rob to sell me Uncle Rick's van after he'd driven it for a few years.
I have always been the weirdo creative in this family and I want that to continue. I also want to maintain my personal values of empathy, openness, goofiness and love for family and their children. I want to maintain my passions for the sciences like physics, psychology and biology... and of course the intertwined field of neurology as it's where all the genuine breakthroughs are happening.
These are my passions... and I don't mean reading dusty textbooks. The Power Threat Meaning Framework was formulated just before the turn of 2020. I started learning about it just a few years after. I picked up Nonviolent Communication just after Marshall Rosenberg passed away; his legacy becoming something wonderful.
Disney, Marvel, Star Wars and even a great many video games can exist in tandem with a life founded with Nonviolent Communication's principles. I'm not looking to be some monk with a spiritual hard-on. I view this as a realistic tool for healthier and more compassionate, empathetic connection and collaboration. Those are important cornerstones for creative community.
Just because I don't want to be some soldier boy and dominance-based punitive educator doesn't mean I need to shun and shame people for creating and consuming violence in media. There are lessons of hope found in so many of these things. For the longest time, Yvette spoke so highly of The Matrix... mentioning it pretty often.
I feel worried and scared about how dad's and Andrea's relationship might push apart her and Rob. I can see it happening because I'm uncomfortably educated on Narcissism and Scapegoating abuse at this point.
I own and have read Rejected, Shamed and Blamed by Rebecca C. Mandeville, MFT and Stephanie Moulton Sarkis PhD's Healing From Toxic Relationships. Not only that, I've consumed hundreds of hours of media from clinical psychologist and relationship experts across the web.
Dad's life is exactly what shapes the emotional immaturity and fragility and specialized superiority complex of a narcissist so even from the most objective professional lens, it's visible.
Mom was the only person in this family with even a shred of awareness regarding my clinical history unless you count the hundreds of written letters and emails she shared with her ex-husband who was in active denial there was anything untoward about his son. He has always lived a delusion of my mechanical desires and projected his own interests onto me. He has also always clung to the belief that him buying me things would make them part of who I am... as he did with all the car posters, racing posters, Aircraft of The World pamphlets and Red Wings shit.
He cannot fathom how HIS son doesn't like those things.
All I ever learned about any of it was just to find love from HIM. ...it was rooted in profound self-abandonment and self-denial. That is one of the reasons I attempted to end my life so many times.
Now that I'm finally returning to my own passions; shedding the desire to fit in with Vince's friends with drums and instruments and to please Dad with maintaining that image... I am starting to feel secure in myself and safe to feel and express myself.
My concern, again... boils down to this. Who I am is very aligned with Rob. I love Weird Al, character voices, Chris Cornell's bands and I have a deep and powerful love for creative media in slightly different ways. I always wanted to be involved with making movies. I wanted to know how the practical and digital effects were done. I loved the stories and always tried to find my own improvements on plot holes, clear dialog duct tape and character gaps.
There's honestly plenty of that in the new Superman. The pocket universe tearing apart... and how it was fixed is one giant literal hole. They fixed it with math. There's no physical framework upon which that math did a damned thing... it just worked.
Penny Dreadful... Helsing says there's anticoagulant in a vampire's blood. He explicitly states that its presence there would "assist" in consumption of blood. Anticoagulant's presence in saliva would assist in blood consumption. Its presence in blood would possibly be an indicator that the creature was bitten by something that injected anti-coagulant and also might indicate that the vampire subsists on anti-coagulated blood which then somehow circulates purely into its own blood.
I also still have the BTS disc of the movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within because, while I loved the film I found the BTS to be awesome.
With a healthy relationship, finally empowered me could be there for Andrea and her kids in ways we hadn't share, yet. Seroquel and other pills along with psych hospitalization and being stuck in Dad's God-forsaken basement significantly fucked that in the past.
I was in extreme depression, actively suicidal and barely cared about myself. I couldn't be there for my family.
I now have the freedom to be myself and feel. I finally redirected from the toxic community connections that came about after dad's outburst shoved me out a second story window and into the arms of less resourced and more drug-saturated circles.
So, now... I hope.
I also fear.
...and I prepare. Because if Dad's bullshit does actually tear Andrea's relationship apart I will be held in contempt and blamed from Andrea's core... her internal beliefs will cling to that. I will not have a family. ...ever.
Dad's violence and manipulation has torn apart both of his marriages. I can see the defensiveness he brainwashed into Andrea to be a potential motivator for her own divorce.
I don't want that to happen. I want her, Rob and their kids to have the most joyful, enduring relationship from which Harrison and Elizabeth learn to love and cherish one another and the rest of this beautiful species. I want to see them evolve as Disney kids and grow passionately into their own.
I want them to be emotionally aware of themselves and able to discern their personal "right path."
That said... it's very unlikely if Dad continues to successfully pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
It's very clear that Dad has historically proven to be frighteningly explosive when working on car projects and home renovation projects when things don't go his way. At the very least, most of the men in our family have witnessed it. I know because I've been present as they acted surprised and tried to forgive him for people in their own ways just as I've been present for the verbal and sometimes tool tossing violence.
Dad has a temper and a deep seeded need for control over mechanical things. He also displays those needs in his relationships.
My concern is that I am unwilling to lie for him. I have witnessed the damage it does and I've experienced it first-hand. I know the massive chasms it drives between people, including mom and her family, myself and my family...
Rob is a pretty easy-going guy who also celebrates things strongly. He carries Star Wars in his heart just like Dad carries cars, boats and rally. He builds community around it in much the same way, too.
I need to steel myself before Andrea blames her divorce on me. If Dad keeps up his charade, I see it happening. He's already driven a wedge between Adrea, Rob, their kids and myself at the very moment when Arthur was starting to celebrate my existence as a goofy voice character type. Arthur was trying to encourage Rob to sell me Uncle Rick's van after he'd driven it for a few years.
I have always been the weirdo creative in this family and I want that to continue. I also want to maintain my personal values of empathy, openness, goofiness and love for family and their children. I want to maintain my passions for the sciences like physics, psychology and biology... and of course the intertwined field of neurology as it's where all the genuine breakthroughs are happening.
These are my passions... and I don't mean reading dusty textbooks. The Power Threat Meaning Framework was formulated just before the turn of 2020. I started learning about it just a few years after. I picked up Nonviolent Communication just after Marshall Rosenberg passed away; his legacy becoming something wonderful.
Disney, Marvel, Star Wars and even a great many video games can exist in tandem with a life founded with Nonviolent Communication's principles. I'm not looking to be some monk with a spiritual hard-on. I view this as a realistic tool for healthier and more compassionate, empathetic connection and collaboration. Those are important cornerstones for creative community.
Just because I don't want to be some soldier boy and dominance-based punitive educator doesn't mean I need to shun and shame people for creating and consuming violence in media. There are lessons of hope found in so many of these things. For the longest time, Yvette spoke so highly of The Matrix... mentioning it pretty often.
I feel worried and scared about how dad's and Andrea's relationship might push apart her and Rob. I can see it happening because I'm uncomfortably educated on Narcissism and Scapegoating abuse at this point.
I own and have read Rejected, Shamed and Blamed by Rebecca C. Mandeville, MFT and Stephanie Moulton Sarkis PhD's Healing From Toxic Relationships. Not only that, I've consumed hundreds of hours of media from clinical psychologist and relationship experts across the web.
Dad's life is exactly what shapes the emotional immaturity and fragility and specialized superiority complex of a narcissist so even from the most objective professional lens, it's visible.
Mom was the only person in this family with even a shred of awareness regarding my clinical history unless you count the hundreds of written letters and emails she shared with her ex-husband who was in active denial there was anything untoward about his son. He has always lived a delusion of my mechanical desires and projected his own interests onto me. He has also always clung to the belief that him buying me things would make them part of who I am... as he did with all the car posters, racing posters, Aircraft of The World pamphlets and Red Wings shit.
He cannot fathom how HIS son doesn't like those things.
All I ever learned about any of it was just to find love from HIM. ...it was rooted in profound self-abandonment and self-denial. That is one of the reasons I attempted to end my life so many times.
Now that I'm finally returning to my own passions; shedding the desire to fit in with Vince's friends with drums and instruments and to please Dad with maintaining that image... I am starting to feel secure in myself and safe to feel and express myself.
My concern, again... boils down to this. Who I am is very aligned with Rob. I love Weird Al, character voices, Chris Cornell's bands and I have a deep and powerful love for creative media in slightly different ways. I always wanted to be involved with making movies. I wanted to know how the practical and digital effects were done. I loved the stories and always tried to find my own improvements on plot holes, clear dialog duct tape and character gaps.
There's honestly plenty of that in the new Superman. The pocket universe tearing apart... and how it was fixed is one giant literal hole. They fixed it with math. There's no physical framework upon which that math did a damned thing... it just worked.
Penny Dreadful... Helsing says there's anticoagulant in a vampire's blood. He explicitly states that its presence there would "assist" in consumption of blood. Anticoagulant's presence in saliva would assist in blood consumption. Its presence in blood would possibly be an indicator that the creature was bitten by something that injected anti-coagulant and also might indicate that the vampire subsists on anti-coagulated blood which then somehow circulates purely into its own blood.
I also still have the BTS disc of the movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within because, while I loved the film I found the BTS to be awesome.
With a healthy relationship, finally empowered me could be there for Andrea and her kids in ways we hadn't share, yet. Seroquel and other pills along with psych hospitalization and being stuck in Dad's God-forsaken basement significantly fucked that in the past.
I was in extreme depression, actively suicidal and barely cared about myself. I couldn't be there for my family.
I now have the freedom to be myself and feel. I finally redirected from the toxic community connections that came about after dad's outburst shoved me out a second story window and into the arms of less resourced and more drug-saturated circles.
So, now... I hope.
I also fear.
...and I prepare. Because if Dad's bullshit does actually tear Andrea's relationship apart I will be held in contempt and blamed from Andrea's core... her internal beliefs will cling to that. I will not have a family. ...ever.
