Introspective Thoughts
Dec. 2nd, 2025 12:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seeyatWe’re often taught to think about good and bad, best and worst case… and we’re deeply conditioned to live by that hierarchical “guidance”
I spent most of my life being conditioned toward a very abstract, often unreasonable or uninterpretable definition of “bad” and that’s where much of my anxiety stems from.
What’s more, when living with dad I was taught to see my needs as unimportant and even bad. I was taught to feel shame for feeling or for having ideas. I was shut down for any concept I came up with, investment idea I had around projects and I was nearly always told dad was busy when I wanted to understand something mechanical.
Still, dad would buy things for me that he thought were “right” for me and I’d just wind up not touching them.
Dad did buy Kinex for me and I experimented with them and LEGO quite a bit. I’d usually immediately disassemble the original project and create something different, yet aesthetically similar… a different version or vehicle of the set.
Still, I was never celebrated for any of that outside of mom’s house.
Dad was a poster child for busy dad energy or lack thereof. He spent all his time essentially conditioning me to believe his needs and interests are all that mattered and if I so much as feel sad about that, I’ll be punished.
Yes, I feel anxiety in his presence. I’d feel it even without his multiple instances of denying physical abuse.
Dad is at least a lazy, emotionally immature father. He doesn’t so much “manipulate” as he denies things and shifts blame about things. He then does everything he can to avoid the issue.
In order to be perfect for him, I would need to be not only self-sufficient. I would need to nearly perfect and also celebrate and live for everything he cares about; image, public success, hockey, cars, boats, engines… and I would need to bring him people who worship him.
His comfort and pride are what matters to him even though the word “pride” is somewhat denied. Praise is still a very powerful motivator and joy-circuit for him.
I think nonviolent communication is one of the healthiest frameworks of consciousness and communication for me. It allows me to see inside myself and recognize my intrinsic feelings and motivations instead of punishing myself for wants and needs. I think that’s why I feel so secure with it… and finally human.
I spent most of my life being conditioned toward a very abstract, often unreasonable or uninterpretable definition of “bad” and that’s where much of my anxiety stems from.
What’s more, when living with dad I was taught to see my needs as unimportant and even bad. I was taught to feel shame for feeling or for having ideas. I was shut down for any concept I came up with, investment idea I had around projects and I was nearly always told dad was busy when I wanted to understand something mechanical.
Still, dad would buy things for me that he thought were “right” for me and I’d just wind up not touching them.
Dad did buy Kinex for me and I experimented with them and LEGO quite a bit. I’d usually immediately disassemble the original project and create something different, yet aesthetically similar… a different version or vehicle of the set.
Still, I was never celebrated for any of that outside of mom’s house.
Dad was a poster child for busy dad energy or lack thereof. He spent all his time essentially conditioning me to believe his needs and interests are all that mattered and if I so much as feel sad about that, I’ll be punished.
Yes, I feel anxiety in his presence. I’d feel it even without his multiple instances of denying physical abuse.
Dad is at least a lazy, emotionally immature father. He doesn’t so much “manipulate” as he denies things and shifts blame about things. He then does everything he can to avoid the issue.
In order to be perfect for him, I would need to be not only self-sufficient. I would need to nearly perfect and also celebrate and live for everything he cares about; image, public success, hockey, cars, boats, engines… and I would need to bring him people who worship him.
His comfort and pride are what matters to him even though the word “pride” is somewhat denied. Praise is still a very powerful motivator and joy-circuit for him.
I think nonviolent communication is one of the healthiest frameworks of consciousness and communication for me. It allows me to see inside myself and recognize my intrinsic feelings and motivations instead of punishing myself for wants and needs. I think that’s why I feel so secure with it… and finally human.
