seeyat

Watching a Dr Tori Olds PhD video... “What is Good Therapy”

I really love this video. A few things hit me.

My “core belief” around repressing emotion is that if I share emotions, I’ll still be alone. …or I’ll be punished and even more alone. I was often hospitalized or simply reprimanded for showing sadness, anger and even joy at times, especially around my father.

I think I overeat or feel compelled to browse the kitchen because I was so constantly encouraged to eat and threatened or punished (lightly and severely) for not eating. I was so skinny and my body didn’t develop a hunger sensation until age 20 or so.

I don’t even need to feel hungry. I just… do it.

I’ve got some solid cognitive blocks to prevent myself for burning through food but so-called “extra” food or snacks? I have to mindfully correct myself or I’ll eat… which is hard to do when exhausted, tense or burnt out.

I also think it’s possible I’m more deeply understanding why I become hyper-vigilant around gruff and deep-talking or grumpy people. Dad would come home extremely grumpy from work and have a compulsory quiet time as he passed out on the couch or his lay-z boy.

My tensions don’t yet make sense… my body tightens in my shoulders, neck and upper back, like I’m physically making myself smaller when I feel uncomfortable around people and even when I’m just tense at home, alone.

Now I’d like to identify the parts of me that criticize me so fervently.